It's beginning to dawn on me that I have about one year left of college. Just one. Then I'll be out on my broke ass. No fancy on-campus-apartment-with-a-beautiful-view, probably still working in the frozen yogurt biz to afford rent.
To be honest y'all, that scares the piss out of me.
So rather than panic, I have devised a plan to keep myself sane. After all, I've got all summer at home with TAM to do plenty of panicking. (PS: TAM is the nick name I just came up with on the spot for when I want to make a quick reference to mah STL gurlz: TaylorAnnaMartha. Clever, right? No? Whatever.)
The other day, I came up with a list of actions that I think a reasonable grownup should perform habitually. I will work on making these actions permanent behaviors in the next year. Some of you may laugh at how stupid a lot of the things are, but you should shut your damn mouth because being an adult is hard for some people! And yes, I did make a lot of the statements very vague so I may cut corners and accomplish them easier. I didn't say I was changing completely.
Here goes:
I, Elizabeth Ann Genz, being of sound body and mind, do hereby declare on this day, the 3rd of May, 2011, that I will work my hardest to do the following:
Take college seriously and learn everything I possibly can in the one year I have left.
Start doing laundry on a regular basis
Always put said laundry away after it's clean, and don't put it on my bed with the intention of putting it away later, where it will inevitably stay and eventually fall to the floor.
Wake up at 7:00 AM every morning, with the exception of weekends. (That may need revisions... we'll see.)
Limit naps to one a day, not exceeding 3 hours. I waste far too much time sleeping.
Go to church more often, which is to say go to church.
If not the former, then at least stop getting drunk by myself on Sunday nights, for the Lord's sake, and to avoid the unpleasant hangover-in-class on Monday morning. Ick.
Read the news online every morning, or watch it on TV every morning. Have it on in the background.
Do not eat fast food twice in one day. Fat ass.
In fact - baby steps: will strive to only have fast food on weekends. (Not looking forward to that at all.)
Only spend money on things I need. NOTE: "Things I need" does not include both People and US Weekly to compare and contrast stories on the divorce of my favorite Teen Mom 2 couple Leah & Corey. Although it is tempting. (What happened you guys? It was all going so well, and now this? Do you know what you're doing to me?)
Put dishes in dishwasher after use.
Try to make use of a planner. (Nina has actually agreed to help me with this one. She will, in a sense, be my human planner, periodically shouting out due dates and deadlines and enforcing a homework schedule. I'm looking forward to it.)
Always take necessary pills daily, on time.
Rejoice in small accomplishments, like making ambitious lists in my two hour break between classes instead of sleeping, or squishing a scary spider.
Lose 25-30 lbs. Way easier said than done. Then maintain weight through regular exercise and healthy diet. (those of you rolling your eyes and saying "yeah right," I do not appreciate it.)
Stop calling myself fat. Life will be much easier if I live in denial.
Do not eat any more than 5 samples of froyo at work.
Put 20% of paycheck in savings.
Learn to change a tire. (God bless the kind soul who attempts to teach me that. Seriously. I'm going to apologize in advance for crying. I can tell you right now at some point during that process I will get frustrated and start to cry. You will just have to deal.) Thanks Nick!! :) (he didn't actually teach me, I just watched him carefully while he did all the work. Which worked out well, because I didn't cry.)
In St. Louis for Easter Break. Left this afternoon without breakfast, or lunch. Or snacks.
I hadn't eaten at all until dinner. I had macaroni and cheese. That's it though. Starving. However, I can't eat because I'm trying this new thing where I alter my daily eating habits from continuously-eating to only-when-I'm-hungry. And I realize that, yes, I am hungry right now, but "the rules" say that you aren't supposed to eat past 8pm.
Some may be wondering why I'm suddenly concerned with my eating habits. I'm trying to stay positive, so let's just say I've gotten a little too "phat" and can't stand the sight of my lumpy ass any more. If my stomach was covered in snow, it would make an excellent sledding hill. I could almost pass as being in the later stages of pregnancy. More of me to love? *sigh*
This change will be difficult for two reasons: I have to work out, and I have to eat less good food. (By good food I mean food that tastes good to me.) It will eliminate my very favorite activity, which is sitting in front of the tv and eating.
I recently had a conversation with a skinny friend that depressed me beyond words. We were sitting in Sweet Cece's, and I was telling him all the things I'd eaten earlier (which I realize now was probably only interesting to me... oh well). For dinner I had spaghetti and meatballs from Fazoli's, which comes with two breadsticks, I ordered two more. On the way home I passed a Krispy Kreme drive-thru, and since I have no will power, immediately cut across on-coming traffic to get in line. I waited about 15 minutes for 3 glazed doughnuts, loathing myself with every second. So for those of you keeping score, that's a plate of carbs with a side of 4 heavily buttered carb-sticks, and 3 deep fried glazed carbs. And then, on top of that, here I was eating a cup full of froyo. (Well, sorbet. Tryin to be healthy, right?) I felt like such a worthless fat ass.
"So?" he asked, through a mouthful of yogurt. "It's just food."
I don't know if he was trying to be nice or trying to get me to shut up. Probably the latter. A big part of me hoped he'd choke on that froyo-covered brownie, which he could eat without guilt.
To skinny people who are genetically designed to stay skinny, it is just food. I hate those people. Those people can sit in the Krispy Kreme drive-thru and enjoy the experience. "Hellllll yyyeaahhh!!" they yell, as they happily hi-five the guy at the window. Skinny people will never understand how horrible it is for the rest of us. They see us, our foreheads sadly resting on the steering wheel, and wonder why we aren't more excited. They might even think it's rude how we give the window-guy our money without smiling or making eye contact. We don't care.
Skinny people, I can promise you that every non-skinny person in the Krispy Kreme drive thru is thinking the exact same thing: "Fuck. My. Whole. Life."
This is a video interpretation of the fat-person experience. Funny as shit. Please enjoy, unless you've never struggled with your weight. In that case, piss off.
I don't know what it is, but lately I have been feeling like the mayor of Bitterville.
I've really been feeling for my friends going through breakups or bad dating situations (and yes, I absolutely doconsider the girls on Teen Mom to be my friends. Except for Janelle or the blonde one who's name I can't ever remember). I haven't been dumped recently, or anything like that. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I've been single for well over 2 years now. Or maybe it's because I haven't been on an enjoyable date since last May. So that's two possible explanations for why I'm unhappy: It's either my fault because I'm unlovable, or there really are no decent men left in the world.
I honestly don't see how it could be the first, because let's face it: I'm awesome. I have a million qualities that make me a suitable girlfriend: I can burp on command, I have a trampoline, and I can name the title of any episode of Friends from just being given a brief plot point - to name a few. Please, go on? But, of course.
For starters, I'm not much of a financial investment. Men don't have to buy my meals. I have two jobs, so I'm fully capable of paying for myself. Plus, a lot of food gives me gas, so going out to eat on a date probably isn't a good idea anyway. You can't really make a good impression while trying to suppress a fart. Guys also should feel no need to buy me nice things, as I will inevitably lose them almost immediately upon receiving them. I have to set aside about 5-6 minutes each morning to find my keys. They're always in the same general location; somewhere in the bottomless pit of clothes covering my bedroom floor. Needless to say, it takes me a while to find them.
Secondly, I'm not much of a time investment either. It does not take me long to get ready if I'm informed at least 90 minutes in advance. Even less if I don't have to shower. I would never keep a guy from spending time with his friends, and I certainly would not get mad at him about "guy time." Do what you want. More time for myself. Actually, one of my ex boyfriends complained that I would often blow him off for my friends, so I know it won't be an issue.
I also don't require long boring talks. There was this couple who would meet in the lobby of my dorm freshman year (and my dorm sophomore year as well, same couple), and every night I would see them talking. I would go to get a coke, or a bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos from the vending machine and there they were: sitting extremely close to each other and just talking. Stoic/serious faces. When I'd go the lobby again two hours later (to get another bag of Fritos, naturally), they were still there. Whatever the hell it was they were talking about, it always seemed really intense. Maybe something they should have talked about in private. I don't know. But it was weird to me. This may sound terrible, but I don't care about anything enough to talk about it for more than 15 minutes. Any longer than that and I'm about ready to kill myself and/or whoever I'm talking to. I just don't have the attention span.
Third, guys don't have to work very hard to please me. I'm what is known as "low maintenance." I'm pretty damn self-sufficient, and it's something I'm proud of. I will never ask if the clothes I have on make me look fat, because I know the answer. And after the fourth midnight-McDonald's-run in a week, I can't really blame it on the clothes anymore. I won't make a guy go shopping with me because I hate shopping with [straight] guys. When I worked at Forever21, I would see these girls dragging their poor boyfriends around the store, piling clothes on him like he 's a cart with legs. There is no other expression in the world that is so pure in its unhappiness as "the boyfriend in Forever21."
Also, I always laugh at my own jokes, so there's no need to pretend you think I'm funny! Who wouldn't want to date me, ammiright??
So it's gotta be the lack of decent men. I think I might write about that another day. Recounting all of the horrible dates I've been on will be long enough to be its own post for sho.
Hey! Something fun: If anyone is actually reading this and has an awful date story to share, please tell me. I love awful date stories.
But that doesn't really bother me because I don't have any midterms.
I'm just ready to go home for spring break. I'm pretty sure all of my St. Louis friends aren't going to be there. So I probably won't be there for long. I don't really know what I'll do.
I want a margarita, or another one of those bahama mama things from Red Lobster.
I am so upset that I won't be spending this spring break on a beach. I could be laying on a towel in the sand, sipping a frozen fruity girly drink and not working on anything but my tan. There are no words that can truly express how upset I am that instead I'll be going to gray, cold St. Louis. St. Louis, where I can't sit on a beach drinking fruity drinks much less sit anywhere lest I be blown away by a tornado.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be on a beach. Smelling the salty air. Spending nearly 45 minutes applying sunscreen only to forget an obscure spot, like behind my knees or on the bottoms of my feet. Cat calling hot shirtless guys who are probably in high school. Walking around at night with a flashlight looking for crabs. Building a wet-sand tower (pick up wet sand, plop it on dry sand, repeat until it's so tall it falls over. We call this a "Monkey Castle"), consequently filling my crotchal region with so much sand it hurts to walk. People watching while wearing sunglasses and pretending to read a magazine. Wondering why that fat old man's wife let him leave the hotel in that speedo. Eating fresh fish whenever the fuck I want. SERIOUSLY WHY AM I NOT THERE RIGHT NOW?????
There's a huge part of me that just wants to get on I-65 S and just go until I get to a coast.
Looks like 65 would take me straight to Pensacola. Now all I need is some money and a place to stay.
*okay the font is all messed up and it's pissing me off, so sorry. I don't feel like fixing it. *Also this contains a lot of foul language, so it is not suitable for little sisters, or grandmama's or people who would be offended by me using foul language or making fun of conservative political pundits, or people who would show my mother/step father. Although I don't know why anyone would do that to me anyway.
So, lately I've been thinking about how messed up our country is. Think about it. It's really messed up. And I've been think about ways we could potentially fix it. I came to a pretty decent conclusion: do a little "population cleansing."
Wow - when I say it like that I sound a little Hitler-y.
Okay, this cleansing will in NO WAY be anything like Hitler ever did.
I just think a temporary and humane removal of a few of our nation's most problematic public figures (politicians, celebrities, etc.) might help, so that way the rest of us can try to figure things out.
What I'm thinking is, we buy an Island. Now, I know that our economy is not really capable of doing this right now. But damnit, what are white people good for if not invading and taking over new land? Get a boat, find an island, put an American Flag there. Done. So this Island will need to be big enough to accommodate a large amount of people. It would be really nice if it was out in the tropics, because then it would be more appealing. And it will need to have all the luxuries of American life plus a really kick ass beach. The people on this list are all wealthy enough to build their own mega mansions, and pretty much buy anything they want. We'll just sell it to them as a mandatory long-term vacation. Maybe we can even hire some people to work out there, make it like a resort. That will create more jobs! It's a win-win-win.
The rules/conditions of the island are as follows: The means of getting the people there are as humane as possible. The Island residents are allowed to bring family. They are also allowed to bring all of their material possessions: clothes, cars, gadgets, what have you. They cannot have any contact with America. Maybe a direct phone line to parents or immediate family members. But no other form of contact. What's the point of kicking them out if we still have to hear from them? When the people of America decide the time is right, Island residents may be invited back to the homeland. There will be no internet access on the island. Or cell phone service. I know that's harsh, but it must be done.
With that, we continue onto the list of people.
Spencer Pratt
Seen here with wife Heidi infecting melons with herpes at a local
grocery store
Suggested by Nina. “He’s good for the island because he’ll take Heidi with him.” For those who are not females in the 18-22 year old age group, Spencer Pratt is a celebrity made famous for his time on MTV’s “Reality” show The Hills. The show chronicled the hard life of rich girl Lauren Conrad as she struggled at Fashion School and with her internship at Teen Vogue, all the while living in her Daddy-funded beautiful apartment in the hills of Los Angeles. Pratt made his debut in Season 2? I think? I don’t remember exactly. I was in high school when I watched the show. He was the sleaze-ball boyfriend of Conrad’s vacuous roommate Heidi Montag (recently in tabloids due to her 10 plastic surgery operations. 10.) Anyway, I don’t remember exactly what happened between Lauren and Heidi and Spencer, but in the later seasons of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer were not friendly with Lauren. From what I do remember, Spencer is incredibly misogynistic, and almost verbally abusive to Heidi. Pretty much, he’s the douchiest of the douche bags.
Glenn Beck "The Derp of Humanity" - Ruthie Hall
He occasionally gives FOX short breaks from licking his butt hole.
Ahhh... Mr. Beck. Where to start.
He has so many qualities that make him a perfect candidate for a very long, if not permanent stay at The Island.
For anyone who doesn't know, Glenn Beck is a radio/television host who's apparent main objective is to draw confusing diagrams on chalkboards and create mass panic. He is a conservative political commentator and the author of several books. He's known for his ridiculous conspiracy theories that, unfortunately, about half of the American population believe to be true.
Here is an example of the kind of things Glenn Beck likes to tell America, utilizing his chalkboard of course: "Progressivism is the cancer in America and it is eating our Constitution!" All of his theories revolve around socialism, and how "social justice" is another term for socialism, and how Obama is a socialist, and how liberals are Nazis.
Now if you're smart you're probably asking yourself, "Why would anyone listen to this guy if he's so nuts?" You'd be asking a valid question. And I have an answer for you. Beck plays on fear. It makes sense for his agenda. What are the main things that motivate humans? Money, food, sex, and fear. He can't use food because, well, it would be hard to attach political ideologies to Cheeseburgers (although, they almost did it with the whole "freedom fries" thing, but that didn't work. And, I must admit if politicians found ways to associate their campaigns with cheeseburgers, the country would run a lot smoother. I have a feeling, however, that would be entirely unethical. Someone more educated than me should look into that.) He can't use sex. I mean, look at him. No one wants to hit that. Sex Appeal is out. Any money he gets he keeps for himself, so that's a no. Fear is really his only option. And oh how he enjoys being a fear monger.
What really pisses me off about Glenn Beck, besides the fact that he's completely bat shit crazy, is how much he contributes to the divide of the American people. There's already a divide anyway, sure. But you know what won't make it better? Telling your side that the other guys are Nazis. Panicked people are not happy people. Without his ass yapping about socialism, shit might actually get done in this country. So off to the Island with Glenn Beck, and his precious chalkboard too.
It might be tricky to get him to go though... He thrives on the knowledge that he's scaring the piss out of conservatives, so he might not be too keen on the idea of living on the Island away from everyone. But I've thought that through. We'll give him a camera, and a microphone and simulate a radio/tv station in his home. That way, he'll think he's getting his messages out to Americans, but really we won't be hearing anything. Or, we could just let him come up with wild conspiracy theories and tell them to the gullible conservative monkeys inhabiting the island.
Ann Coulter
Sorry, Ann. But no.
Ann Coulter falls under the same category as Glenn Beck as far as her career is concerned: annoying conservative political commentator, furthering the divide between Democrats and Republicans. However, while Beck is merely crazy, Coulter is a cranky old bitch. I will give her this much: she at least has the credentials to talk shit. She attended Cornell University for undergrad and got her JD at University of Michigan Law School. Whatever. She's still a bitch. I don't care how we get her to the island, just get her there. Now.
Sarah Palin
Ironically, Palin was voted "Most Likely to Kill Off an Endangered Species" in High School.
Look at this face, people. Remember this face. DO NOT LET THIS FACE STAY IN AMERICA.
There are so many reasons why Sarah Palin needs to leave the country. Literally, thousands. Billions even. Not just for the good of the American people, but for the Polar Bears as well.
Another reason? The possibility of her running for President in the 2012 election. I don't know how big that possibility is, but any possibility is too much of a possibility. I'm all for a woman leader. PLEASE JESUS NOT THIS WOMAN. She is completely ridiculous. And forgive me if I'm being rude, but I really do not understand how anyone could buy into the bullshit she says. What has she been trained to do, you ask? Oh, just the most presidential job ever, sports casting. She's pretty much been trained to do the exact same thing that I'm studying in school right now. Would you want me as president? No! Some may say she's had more "experience." Sure, she's been mayor before. Sure she's been Governor of Alaska.
But I know what countries are in NAFTA. And I know that Africa is a continent. Bitch.
I feel like getting her out of the country will be easy. We need to find or create in a lab some kind of hard-to-kill animal so she can spend her time "frolicking about the pretty nature-scenes, shooting stuff." The Island could have everything she'd ever asked for! All the hunting game she wants, a place for Todd to jetski (instead of riding his snowmobile, a small sacrifice for paradise), all the boys will be American, so they'll know her daughters won't put out [anymore]. It's all the comforts of home, just without those pesky rape victims asking for free rape kits and spending her tax money on abortions.
Christian Audigier
Keeping North East American-Italians Looking Fresh-to-Death.
Audigier was requested by Courtney Pott, and is the man responsible for dressing Douche bags in a line of tacky rhinestone covered clothes called "Ed Hardy." I think the decision to send him to the island is mainly a punishment. Also I made a rule stating that Jersey Shore cast members could not be banished, so he might be the closest thing. However, that rule does not include any other self-proclaimed "Guidos." Those mother fuckers can go. It will be easy as hell to get them on board. Just make part of the island like a Jersey Shore replica, with a board walk and a bunch of clubs and an endless supply of vokka. They'll never leave. Shit, as long as the Gorilla-juice-heads can get their GTL* on, it don't matter where they party, riiiiiight??
*GTL = Gym, Tan, Laundry; a daily practice among male American-Italians involving going to a gym, then to a tanning salon to get fake tans, and to a laundromat to clean whatever Ed Hardy t-shirts they plan on wearing out that evening.
Mariah Carey
Take your glittery bare-ass and the hell out of here before I have a stroke.
Another one requested by Nina. Nina is a genius. I would've completely forgotten about Mimi.
Honeychild. You are 41 years old. Butterflies and hot pink glitter are only cute on 12 year old prostitutes. It is time you grow the hell up. I understand that you are married and have a baby on the way. That is all fine and dandy, but it leads me to another problem. Your pregnancy is apparently causing you to eat all of the food in America. We've all seen the pictures, and it is not pretty. There are people in this country who did not get famous for being able to sing really high, and don't have much money to spend. These people, like college students for example, find themselves eating a pack of ramen noodles or PBJ sandwiches every GODDAMN day and calling that a meal. Not only are you a nuisance, you're beginning to become a threat as well. So you need to go. If it makes you feel better, we'll hire someone to follow you around and take pictures of you so you still feel relevant.
Rush Limbaugh
He gets $50 Million a year to be a jack ass.
There's not much else you can really say about this guy. Same as Coulter and Beck, conservative political commentator. The only difference is that he is a total and complete ass hole. The other two might be ass holes. But this butt dumpling takes the cake. First of all, he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Ever. He's racist as hell, and gets away with it. Doesn't even get a slap on the wrist. I want to know what the hell this guy did to get that kind of special treatment? Why is everything Rush Limbaugh says acceptable to humanity? Why hasn't someone blown him up like Violet Beauregarde and rolled his ass into the ocean? If anyone needs to get the fuck out of America it's this mother fucker.
Kate Gosselin
"My name is Kate Gosselin. In my spare time, I like to exploit my children."
Dear. Christ. In. Heaven. Ms. Gosselin. I know it's not her fault that she had six babies at once and a set of twins. That's not the problem. 8 children is fine. My problem is how she's using the children to fuel her career. Just let your babies be babies, ho! It already sucks that they had to go through her and Jon's divorce, but on top of that the entire ordeal was public, AND mommy is an attention whore. Those poor children are going to be so fucked up. I hope with all that money she's making she's at least paying for a couple nannies. She is the one exception to the "they are allowed to bring their families" rule. She absolutely cannot bring her children. She needs some time on the Island to realize just how damn insignificant she really is so she can come back and be a real mother. Damn.
The Duggars
There are 19 of those mother fuckers, not counting the parents.
Get these weirdos out of here now. Now. Please. All of them. Take them all. They can start their own little Duggar Colony. Our country's economy is struggling, and at the rate Mr. and Mrs. Duggar are popping out babies, our population will increase exponentially if they stay here much longer. If the older children who are married wish to stay in America, they can do so as long as they promise not to have more than 6 children. Their parents took away their big family privileges. After all we are humans, not hamsters.
Michael Moore
Closest liberal equivalent to Beck, Coulter and Limbaugh that I could think of. Except he’s not that bad. He stirs shit up, though. That’s for certain. I admire his methods of expressing his opinions through documentary, however, no one on the right will view them. So really he isn’t accomplishing anything. He’s just contributing to the divide. I’m speaking specifically of Fahrenheit 9/11. Sicko was actually quite a good movie. There was a lot of spin, but we didn’t need Michael Moore to see that the country’s health care system was fucked up. Really I’m only suggesting he go to the island because I want to seem fair. I really wouldn’t mind if he stayed.
Other People Mentioned:
Kristen Stewart: Go be a bad actress somewhere else please. You better take Stephenie Meyer with you so she can keep writing crappy roles for you to play.
Brangelina: This was requested by Taylor Harris. She also suggested that Jennifer Aniston go too, but I vetoed that. Jen's my girl, and it's my fantasy island. So she stays. Brangie needs out. There isn't really a legitimate reason. They're just annoying. And like Taylor said, we could use something else to read about in the tabloids other than what the Brangelina's are doing in whatever Third-World Country they visit on any given week.
VS Models: Taylor also requested this. I'm inclined to say yes, because of all the body issues this causes for American Women. They make American women hate themselves, but they also help straight males reach sexual maturity. And you know what, what about the lesbians? They need hot bodies to check out too. It's a vicious cycle. As much as I want them to go, I feel like it's not fair to the straight guys/lesbians.
Lindsay Lohan: A couple of people requested to kick out Lindsay Lohan. I don't have the heart to kick her out. Honestly, the girl really isn't that significant anymore. She's not hurting or helping anything, so she can stay.
T Swift: Other people said Taylor Swift. I'd be down with that. She can take some time on that island to stop dating too-hot-for-her actors and learn how to sing. Bet you wish you would've been nicer to me in Panera that time, huh? Yeah, karma's a bitch, Tay-tay.
Miley Cyrus/Billy Ray Cyrus: no explanation necessary.
Dick Cheney: Let Palin know Cheney is denied access to any of her guns. (Lame, I know. But I'm getting sleepy.)
Zooey Deschanel: I have my reasons. Blonde hooker bitch.
edit: Okay, I'm being told that Zooey Deschanel is not actually a blonde. My bad. She still goes.
Am I brilliant, or am I brilliant? Feel free to suggest more.
Sup. Kickin' it with the hipsters this evening at Belmont's favorite coffee shop. It makes me feel comfortably mainstream, and I love that.
It's relatively empty. A couple smokers dedicated to their addiction are studying/sitting/sulking outside despite the cold weather. Some chatty girls just came in and sat at the table to my right. There's a dude in one of the worn out chartreuse chairs holding a book that looks like it was printed in the 19th century. It's probably something "really obscure with deep and meaningful imagery and symbolism" that he's only reading to make himself look unique. He's not really reading it, though. He's more listening to the guys a table away from me discuss China, or a girl, or something. I can't really hear them. I feel like if they turned around and saw him staring they'd be really creeped out. I kind of am.
The amount of gross facial hair in or around the building right now is almost enough to make me want to leave. I don't understand how it's "ironic." I don't understand what that means, "ironic facial hair." Is it ironic because you look like a pedophile or a creep that hits on little girls at carnivals? "Wow chaz, you're stache is lookin good today. Uber child molester-y." Score.
I know hipster jokes are getting old, but I've got nothing right now. I just wanted to get out of my apartment and write something, anything. I've wasted 75% of the weekend sleeping, if not more. I pretty much would get up to go drink with my friends, come home, go back to sleep, and wake up to go somewhere else and drink. (The family is oh so proud to hear that, I'm sure) To be honest, I could go to sleep right now. And I only woke up a couple hours ago.
Side note: why do girls pick the most public of places to have intense personal conversations? Artsy McPedostache can't read his old decrepit book when all he hears is y'all whining about the boys who are tormenting your hearts. Also, why is it that boys are the only thing we're apparently capable of talking about? The two dudes aren't talking about girls, and neither are the other two dudes behind me. What is that? Is there nothing else in this world that we care about besides boys? Nothing else that we consider worth discussion? Religion? Politics? How shitfaced Karen got at the party on Friday? Really? It's pretty sad, ladies. Pretty damn sad.
Anyway. I go back to work this week. Woot(?). It's definitely a good thing because I could use the cash.
Christ Almighty, I'm even boring myself with this one. I'm just going to give up. Maybe something interesting will come to me soon. Ooo... and you know what, hipster girl at the table to my left is having a mental break down, and the tone of the coffee house just got really uncomfortable... wow... yeah, it's time for me to go.
**EDIT 3/30/2011 - I see the hipster-melt-down girl ALL THE TIME now. It's weird...
The holiday season is hard. It's really fun and awesome. But it's hard. Mainly because during the months of December and January, it tends to snow. And snow and I have never gotten along. It makes me trip and fall on my ass, and I don't find that very funny. On Christmas my sister and I were going to take a trip to Walgreens to get soda, and I had to clean off my car. I slipped and fell in the snow, my legs half way under the car, and the rest of my body crunching into the snow. As my sister laughed, I lied there in shame.
Alright. It's a little funny.
Another reason why the holidays kind of suck is because so much of the focus is on couples. As a single, I don't particularly care for that. I'm at my dad's and on New Years Eve he and Wendy (girlfriend/CLSM) had their friends over. When all the couples were getting their new years kisses, I sat there clutching my cup full of vodka and orange juice and looking hopefully at the dog (who shot me down. He still doesn't like me.) Now, it's not like I wanted to kiss anyone at the party. It just made me sad that I had no one to kiss. Shit, the dog didn't even want me.
I was sad for a total of 48 hours. And then I realized, I have nothing to be sad about. Being single really isn't bad. It's very very good.
And here's a list of the reasons why, incase I'm ever sad about it in the future and I forget.
1. I can make my own decisions. When you're in a relationship you have to make decisions based on another person's needs. Dinner. I want to go to McDougal's.
I can have this whenever I want. (During the hours it's open)
He hates McDougal's. So I can't go. But if I'm single, I can go to McDougal's and have delicious fried chicken and the amazing dipping sauce any damn time I please. And it's awesome. I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't like McDougal's anyway. And when I eat is totally up to me too. I don't have to wait for his band practice to be over, or for him to get off work, or nag him to stop playing WOW. I can just get up and friggen go. Who's driving is never an issue either. I'm driving always. And I don't have some asshole asking me to pay his gas money cause he "drives my ass everywhere." I only have to pay for my gas. (Which, admittedly, is still too much.) The freedom is incredible. Every decision I make only effects me, and I only have to consider myself. That may seem selfish, but I don't have to care! Of course, all this would change were I to get a dog. And while dogs can't pay for dinner, they also don't talk about how bad they wanna bang Zooey Deschanel. Blonde bitch.
2. I can listen to whatever music I want.I have an intensely guilty pleasure. And that guilty pleasure is popular top-40's music. I know. Going to a "music" school, this is quite possibly the worst thing I could say. But it's true. I love Lady Gaga. And Keri Hilson. And Lil' Wayne. And Jay-Z. And Beyonce. I know all the words to "Stillettos (Pumps)" by Crime Mob, and Ludacris' "Move Bitch." I watched the Ciara "Ride" video about 25 times attempting to copy her dance moves (didn't work out so well. Not a good dancer.) And as much as I hate everything she is as a person, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have 5 or 6 Ke$ha songs in my iTunes library. (I can sense you judging me. Stop it.) I can listen to this pure awesomeness without my "boyfriend" bitching about how shitty it is, or how it's "not real music." I don't have to deal with him controlling the radio/ipod, listening to the crappy emo music he says is better than Young Spiffy. (seen below)
3. I don't have to shave.Guys can feel me on this one. It's a pain in the ass. Nothing spoils a nice warm shower like having to rub a poorly guarded razor on your legs. All I gotta do is put some long pants on and I can live like a grizzly woman. It's awesome.
(not my legs)
And kind of disgusting.
4. I don't feel forced to pamper myself. I like to straighten my hair, and put on make-up, paint my nails, dress up, all that. I love pampering myself. But only when I want to. When I feel like I have to or else a boy will think I'm unattractive, it loses all its fun. Sometimes, I don't feel like showering, even though I didn't shower the night before, or the night before that. Sometimes, I feel like wearing sweatpants. All day. I like being able to walk around in a big ugly t-shirt and pj pants with monkey's on them. It's nice. You know what- this might actually be a problem. That might actually be a reason for me to have a boyfriend: motivation to not be a lazy ass and look haggard all the time.
5. Flirting with strangers. That is by FAR the BEST part about being single. If you haven't hit on a stranger before, I suggest you do it right now (unless you're in a relationship, or married). You'll love the feeling, I promise. The possibilities are endless. Here's lookin' at you, cute-glasses-guy working at Auntie Anne's in the Galleria.
6. No uncomfortable fights.I witness too much fighting in relationships. The fighting alone almost makes the whole idea of having a boyfriend not worth it. Almost. His mom insinuates that you're fat, you secretly tell him that his mom is kind of a bitch, he flips out, you cry. He tells you your family is uptight, you get mad, he flips out, you cry. He says he doesn't like your new perfume, you cry. You don't like his beard, he lets it grow till he looks like a homeless lumberjack, you cry. There's a pattern here... The answer is simple: NO MAN, NO CRY. (Or that I'm a little sensitive, and beards aren't for everyone.)
7. I don't have to be in constant contact with someone. You know what makes me really sad? When I'm at parties and I see a girl or a guy on the phone the whole night because they have to update their boy/girlfriend on everything that's happening. "Just took a shot." "With who?" "Stan, and some other people." "Stan?" "Yes." "I don't want you hanging around Stan. He still likes you." "Hold on, I'm about to puke...Stan, will you help me?" "Don't let Stan hold your hair back!!!" It's sick. If your boyfriend can't be at the party with you then screw him! Have fun. And I do have fun. Always. Unless I drink too much.
8. I have SO MUCH FREEDOM. This hardly needs an explanation. I'm 21. I'm in college. I like being able to do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want. For the first time in my life, I'm really loving not having everything planned out. I can stretch, and explore. And I don't have to hang out with his stupid friends and pretend like they aren't stupid. WIN.
9. Flirting with strangers. It's THAT awesome.
There are a billion reasons why having a boyfriend or someone to kiss on new years would be nice. And I'm not saying that I don't want to date, or anything like that. I'm not saying that having a boyfriend isn't fun as well. I just think if you can't enjoy being single, that means you can't enjoy yourself. And if you can't enjoy yourself, you can't enjoy being with someone else. There's no use wasting my time being sad. I've got it made right now. Being single is the shit. And maybe some guy will come along who will be worth giving all of that up, but until that happens I'm having myself a good damn time.
