(PER APPLICANT'S REQUEST, PHONE NUMBER AND ADDRESS HAVE BEEN REDACTED SO YOU CAN'T CONTACT HER IN CASE YOU TURN OUT TO BE A RAPIST OR KILLER)
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to apply for the open position of your girlfriend. I feel as though my experience being a girlfriend/last resort date option/female-companion-with-no-labels makes me uniquely qualified for this position. When you take into account my bizarre yet captivating personality, extravagant sedentary lifestyle, and odd sense of humor, you will find that I am a strong candidate and have a lot to contribute to this potential partnership.
You may have noticed me quietly observing you for the past few weeks. I know this is off-putting, however, do not be alarmed. I take romantic partnerships seriously, and require a great amount of time to decide whether or not it will be a good fit before applying. I believe it to be a crucial process in order to achieve happiness for both parties. I prefer to do this quietly, from a distance. While initially confusing, awkward, and perhaps terrifying in periods lasting longer than a month, this approach has proven to be extremely successful (assuming the other party is able to look past the weirdness and is willing to move forward, which only happens about 5% of the time). If you are receiving this application, that means I have determined that you possess the qualities I deem make an exceptional romantic partner: a sense of humor, a friendly demeanor, no apparent chemical dependencies, and a beard, just to name a few. I appreciate your facial aesthetic as well as your fart jokes. All these characteristics suggest that you are an ideal boyfriend.
Indeed, with your hot face and adorable butt, you function wonderfully as an individual. However, I think I have a lot to offer you in the position as your girlfriend. The time I spent in the restaurant industry helped me develop a deep appreciation of efficiency and speed. I will not make you wait on me to get ready (so long as I am given a 2 hour notice of our going out, and a general understanding of the atmosphere so I can dress appropriately). I will not habitually make you ask me "what's wrong" a thousand times, or make you guess and then make you listen to me cry about it for an hour. Instead, I find it much more efficient to shove down and conceal a large number of grievances, and air them all at one time, loudly and incoherently, when you are least expecting it. Saves time and keeps things interesting! I also had professional chef training during this season of my life, so I would be more than happy to make you a delicious home-cooked meal.* I love comedy, and will do my best to make you laugh whenever possible. I see this as an act of love and service, and not as one ex-boyfriend put it, "annoying," and indicative of a "desperate need of approval." My experience in customer service and crippling desire to please people has made me a good listener. I would love nothing more than to pour you a double bourbon and let you vent after a hard day, offering my advice when necessary (but not right now, because I'm watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yes, I know it's a rerun, but it's a good episode. Brandi's dog goes missing, and all the wives band together to make 20 flyers and yell the dog's name down one street for five minutes. It's just not a good time. Later won't be good either, I have to take a shower. And then I'll be in bed. Maybe next weekend, though).
You may notice from looking at my resume, that I have not held a "girlfriend" position since 2009. That does not necessarily mean there is anything wrong with me, according to many reputable sources (my mother, my grandmother, my therapist). Nobody is perfect. No one. Not even you. If we're honest, all of us are a little "crazy" and "emotionally unstable" and have a tendency to binge eat Cheetos while watching themselves cry in a mirror. Right? HAHAHAHAHAHA JK moving on. I truly believe (or at least tell myself constantly so I don't get too depressed) that this time as a single woman has taught me a lot about myself. It has been a very beneficial growth experience for me; I would not change it for anything. In fact, these past seven years have sped by me. And now, hundreds of pizzas, countless glasses of wine, and 30 pounds later, I find myself wishing I had someone I could watch Making A Murderer with while we share commentary and eat hot wings. This is hopefully where you come in.
Thank you very much for your consideration, and your time. Attached you will find my resume, as well as the customary check box election sheet for your convenience. I very much look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Sir Dr. Elizabeth (Libby) Genz, PHD, DDS, MD, Esq., LLC
Professional Girlfriend & Part-time Dog Sitter
*Please don't ask me to cook for you. Please. I hate cooking, and I'm not very good at it. Do the right thing.
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Objective
To get assistance killing scary spiders and opening jars, to acquire a reliable Netflix & Pizza companion, and to secure a plus one to take with me to friends' weddings, by obtaining the position as your girlfriend.
Education
Years of watching my friends' failed relationships
- Developed a deeper sense of what it means to be "committed" and "not a felon"
- Lead to my advocacy of and passion for Third-Wheel Awareness, a serious social issue facing single people around the world
Disney Movies
- Provided realistic and healthy expectations towards romance and relationships, and men and women's roles in each.
- Established an expertise in what makes men/foxes/lions "handsome," a rigid checklist I still use to this day
Skills
- Can easily watch TV for hours on end, losing all track of time
- Possess a clear and thorough understanding of Personal Space and the importance of Alone Time. Expect partner to reciprocate these understandings.
- Can make any person laugh, if the person is drunk or a toddler.
- Type avg 55 wpm
- Microsoft Word/Excel/Powerpoint/Outlook
Experience
Blind Date/Dinner Date/Female-Companion-No-Labels 2009-Present
- Important takeaways:
- Dating is a necessary evil
Girlfriend 2007-2009
- Important takeaways:
- Long distance is not always a viable option, long distance college relationships are never a viable option
- Philly Cheese Steaks make for a hostile kissing environment
Girlfriend 2007-2007 (A little under a month)
- Important takeaways:
- Gamers are great to vent to, because they're too busy playing World Of Warcraft to listen to your stupid girl problems
Girlfriend 2007-2007 (A little over a month)
- Important takeaways:
- Beards are hot
- Teenagers do not make satisfactory romantic partners; dating before age 18 is futile
References available upon request - none of which are ex-boyfriends because they all hate me now.
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Form I-420 - Romantic Partnership Offer Election Document
After carefully reviewing the offering party's cover letter and resume, desired party is required by law to elect an official stance on the future of offered romantic partnership.
The written decision on this document is binding, both parties must adhere to the desired party's choice. Ballot can only be reopened for discussion if both parties are sober and there is a third party present to mediate.
Neither party is liable for the emotional reactions of the other party, once a decision has been made.
The desired party must return written decision to offering party by end of receiving day, otherwise desired party will forever be considered an asshole, and offering party will never be able to trust anyone ever again and will probably become a drug addict or stripper or both.
Date Received: ___________
As per tradition, check box of elected decision:
Desired Party Signature: _____________________ Date: _________
Offering Party Signature: ____________________ Date: _________
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Would anyone judge me or be surprised at all if I said I spent more energy making this than I did on my actual resume?
