8 People I Wish Weren't Allowed To Speak. Ever.

As an ESFJ, I love being around people. There are not very many people in this world who I don't like. But there are a few types of people I could do without. Sometimes I think I care too much about people's feelings for my own good. Like, maybe if I didn't care about anything I would be able to tell these people to leave me alone. But unfortunately I can't do that. Because I'm not that person. All I can do is harbor a silent hatred towards them and rant about it on my blog.


#1: The Person Who Starts Talking to You, and Then Won't Let You Leave: You will only see this person at the most inconvenient times possible. When you're 15 minutes late to your 9am class (because in your half asleep state, it made perfect sense to set you alarm at 9:00 exactly), and there she is. She's going forcefully unload all of her problems on you. She's got some really long-boring-ass story about one of her ex boyfriend's band mates who she's now dating that you don't want to hear. The guy you've liked ALL DAMN SEMESTER finally notices you, here comes Sissy-Talks-A-Shitload, ruining your life like it's her frickin job. Or maybe it's that semi-old person at church. You know, the one who always stops you just as your ready to bolt out the door after the service to talk about their hemorroids or a new chicken salad recipe. Don't you have sons and daughters to talk to about that stuff? Or a doctor? This is why when I see these people, I try to hide from them, or pretend I'm on the phone.

#2: The Girl Who is Too Nice To Hate: These bitches are the worst kind of bitches because they aren't actually bitches. They're wonderful people. But you so want to hate them. There are too many reasons why you could hate this girl, but you just can't because she's so darn friendly. She's dating the guy you're in love with, she's prettier than you, her hair is always perfect, and she dresses well, but you can't help but notice that something in her smile makes you feel like you have meaning. It's like she has asked the angels to come down from heaven and bless you personally. Shit is straight up rude.

#3: The Person Who You're Not Sure How You Know:  You know her face, but you don't remember her name, and you honestly have no idea who she is or how/when you met her. What sucks is it seems like she remembers everything about you, which makes you a dick. When she sees you she says your name all excited, like it has a bunch exclamation marks at the end of it. "LIBBY!!!!!!!!" You respond with a greeting that's vaguely personal. "Hey girl! How you doin?" or "Hey you! Long time no see!" or "Wassup homie?" Then she asks you something random, like "is your grandma doing any better?" or "Did you get the job at that yogurt place you wanted?" And you answer "Yeah, you're so sweet for remembering" but you're really thinking how the eff did you know about that?! More small talk ensues, and then she finally leaves and you feel like the most awful person alive. You can't just ask her to remind you how you know each other! That's like a death wish in the world of Female Politics. I honestly don't know what to do! There are only so many ways of addressing a person without using their name. Maybe next time, I'll say something like "Waddup, skank?" and she'll get offended and stop talking to me.

#4: That Boy You Went On a Date With About a Year Ago Who is Now Married: Yup.

#5: That Professor Who Hates You:  So... maybe I didn't try very hard in your class. Or maybe when you asked me why I wasn't trying very hard, I told you that I think being graded on my knowledge of the Old Testament is a joke. And perhaps that rubbed you the wrong way. And for that I suppose I'm sorry. If you could please stop giving me death stares whenever you see me on campus, I would really appreciate it.

#6: The Housing Maintenance Guy Who Has Accidentally Seen You in Your Underwear On Multiple Occasions: Has this happened to anyone else? No? Only me? Awesome.

#7: The Person Who is Inappropriately Affectionate: Now, if I'm being real, yes I am aware that I am probably this person to a lot of people. I don't have a problem with affection. I love affection. I give it out like candy. Some people love it, some people really don't. But I think for the most part, I'm pretty good at gaging when people don't want to be touched, or are not wanting affection. It's hard for me to see any person (even strangers) crying and not give them some form of affection. (Not strangers, obviously. I've learned to contain myself.) I know my limits. For instance, if a person close to me says something stupid, and it's out of character, a polite, joking pat on the back is appropriate I think. Just one though. I'm not going to pat them on the back every time they speak. There is a fine line between being "sweet," and being "that creepy guy who keeps touching me."

#8: The Know-It-All Guy: He loves to tell you about all the "cool" things he knows. He wont let you get a word in. If you do manage to contribute to the story with some knowledge, he knows more about it than you do. I get it man. You are super intelligent and well versed on a variety of topics. That being said, no I DON'T want to hear about the process of melting down plastic bottles and all the benefits of recycling. Don't get me wrong, I care about the environment and all that. I understand how important it is to recycle. It's just that we're at a BAR and all I care about right now is trying to figure out the chance of me getting a free drink by flirting with the bartender. If I wanted to become an expert on all the different kinds of soil, or something else equally as dull, I would try to watch something about it on TV or read. And you know what? Sometimes the stuff you talk about is actually really interesting. If it was coming from anyone else, I might like to listen. But it's coming from YOU. And I HATE you. I know you're just talking because you find the sound of your own voice so impressive it practically gets you off. Can you blame me for not wanting to be a part of that?

Twenty-Something: An Open Letter to Russell Stover All Dark Fine Chocolates.

Dear Russell Stover All Dark Fine Chocolates,

Thanks very much for supporting me in my time of need. I knew you'd understand. You always do.

I bought you just about an hour ago, drove around ALL OF FRICKIN CAMPUS trying to find a parking spot, and finally opened you at 12:55am. I have already destroyed half of the box and it has hardly been 10 minutes. I have class at 9am. I should probably be asleep, but you know what I'm doing instead? Eating chocolates, watching Bridget Jones' Diary, and wishing I could chug a bottle of wine (obviously can't due to previously mentioned class at 9am). You may be wondering why I'm doing this, and maybe why I belted/sobbed "Someone Like You" by Adele on the way home (on repeat, naturally). You might also want to know why I was willing to spend $9.69 on something I'm going to digest in a couple of hours when I only had $16 in my account in the first place.

The reason why is because a) another friend of mine from high school is now engaged, ON TOP of me being the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding next fall, which suddenly makes me realize b) how quickly we've all grown up and sends me into a spiral of depression and self loathing because c) I am single and d) am in love with a man who will never feel the same way, and due to this, unfortunately, e) I have recently been battling feeling of loneliness and losing hard (i.e.- trying to get over it and failing miserably, turning to chocolate as my only companion).

See Russell, it's not that I'm not happy for all of the people getting engaged. Well. Saying I'm happy for all of them would be a lie. I'm happy for a select few. And even that happiness is a little shaky. The whole thing stresses me out.

For some reason I always thought that getting married right out of college was what everyone was supposed to do, so I guess that's what makes me feel like my whole life is a failure. At some point in my green (read: naive) teenage years I came up with a plan: To have children by age 25. That gave me all 4 years of college to meet my future husband, for him to propose to me after we graduate, a year to be engaged, a year or so to settle into our marriage, and a year to try for a kid and/or 9 months to actually be pregnant. According to that plan, I am 4 years behind. I really don't know what made me think that if I didn't have my first child by 25 my "biological clock" would run out. If anything, at this rate my uterus is bound to stop working simply because it's given up hope of me ever reproducing. I feel like I walk down the street and potential mates (all males) run in the other direction.

Really though, what makes me feel like even more of a loser is now that I'm actually starting "adulthood," I've come to the conclusion that I want to put off having children for as long as is reasonable. Getting married is no longer something I want to achieve by a certain point, it's just something I hope to achieve at some point. I don't even care about any of that. I like being a selfish twenty-something wayyyy too much to give a damn. And that makes me feel bad, like my 14 year old self would be disappointed. She'd say something about how I've "lost sight of the mission,"or how I'm "going to end up being one of those fat old ladies who wears pastel sweatsuits and breeds dogs to AKC standards as a hobby."

So now I'm in this bizarre limbo where I'm feeling lonely and maybe wanting a boyfriend on one side and really enjoying my independence on the other. I often wonder if I'm the only one going through this.

mmm...roman nougat...

You know Russell, I bet when the right guy comes along, stuff will start to make more sense.

I just wish he'd hurry up and get here.