College Graduates' Lament

Thanks to a study done by some ass holes at Georgetown University, listing the most and least lucrative college degrees, it has come to my attention that I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life.

What an expensive waste of time.

If it's been a good day and you're looking for a quick way to turn it into shit, go ahead and give the study a glance. For those of you who don't want to jump off of a bridge, here's all you need to know: Apparently the only people getting paid in America are Pharmacists and Engineers. Sorry, white college graduates. Enjoy using that journalism degree to wipe tables at Applebee's.

This puts me in a difficult position because going to college was my only real plan for making it. That was the only trick I had up my sleeve. I've been trying really hard to stay positive, so instead of wallowing in pity (which means taking shots of tequila and chasing with Oreos and tears) I've come up with some back-up plans:

Plan B: Get an Ugly Rich Husband.
Obviously getting a Sugar Daddy would be the most ideal way to secure my future. I think I'd make a good bored/rich housewife. I could pick fights with the maid and sleep with the gardener. Sounds like a dream! Some of you are saying, "Why does he have to be ugly?" He doesn't, I'm just being realistic. Clearly I'd prefer a Hot Rich Husband, but I'm not a blonde pilates instructor. The only possible flaw with this plan is that once a gold-digging blonde pilates instructor makes herself available, I'm history.

Plan C: Try to pull off that "wandering gypsy" thing.
I'll save up and buy an airstream and drive it all around the country. I'll stay in a town for 3 or 4 months at a time working as a waitress or some odd jobs. That will work for a couple years until I'm ready to settle somewhere. I'm not thinking much through with this plan, but it sounds so cool!

What I think living in an Airstream would look like

What it would actually look like

 It will be fun until I get murdered and my killer cuts off my limbs and buries them in a desert miles apart from each other.

Plan D: Jump in front of a car, sue the driver for millions.
If it's not a brilliant idea, then tell me why so many people are using this method to pay their bills today? Once the money from the first accident runs out, and I can maybe walk again, I'll just come up with something else. I'll find a fried toe in my chicken nuggets. I'll work for Walmart and say that I was overworked and sexually harassed. Walmart just gives money to anyone that takes them to court. That's some shady business, right there. I am all about it.

Plan E: Stop giving any f***s and hope TLC makes a reality show about my family.

It worked for some people.



I'm done thinking about this, it's bumming me out. Oreos!!