I don't know what it is, but lately I have been feeling like the mayor of Bitterville.
I've really been feeling for my friends going through breakups or bad dating situations (and yes, I absolutely do consider the girls on Teen Mom to be my friends. Except for Janelle or the blonde one who's name I can't ever remember). I haven't been dumped recently, or anything like that. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I've been single for well over 2 years now. Or maybe it's because I haven't been on an enjoyable date since last May. So that's two possible explanations for why I'm unhappy: It's either my fault because I'm unlovable, or there really are no decent men left in the world.
I honestly don't see how it could be the first, because let's face it: I'm awesome. I have a million qualities that make me a suitable girlfriend: I can burp on command, I have a trampoline, and I can name the title of any episode of Friends from just being given a brief plot point - to name a few. Please, go on? But, of course.
For starters, I'm not much of a financial investment. Men don't have to buy my meals. I have two jobs, so I'm fully capable of paying for myself. Plus, a lot of food gives me gas, so going out to eat on a date probably isn't a good idea anyway. You can't really make a good impression while trying to suppress a fart. Guys also should feel no need to buy me nice things, as I will inevitably lose them almost immediately upon receiving them. I have to set aside about 5-6 minutes each morning to find my keys. They're always in the same general location; somewhere in the bottomless pit of clothes covering my bedroom floor. Needless to say, it takes me a while to find them.
Secondly, I'm not much of a time investment either. It does not take me long to get ready if I'm informed at least 90 minutes in advance. Even less if I don't have to shower. I would never keep a guy from spending time with his friends, and I certainly would not get mad at him about "guy time." Do what you want. More time for myself. Actually, one of my ex boyfriends complained that I would often blow him off for my friends, so I know it won't be an issue.
I also don't require long boring talks. There was this couple who would meet in the lobby of my dorm freshman year (and my dorm sophomore year as well, same couple), and every night I would see them talking. I would go to get a coke, or a bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos from the vending machine and there they were: sitting extremely close to each other and just talking. Stoic/serious faces. When I'd go the lobby again two hours later (to get another bag of Fritos, naturally), they were still there. Whatever the hell it was they were talking about, it always seemed really intense. Maybe something they should have talked about in private. I don't know. But it was weird to me. This may sound terrible, but I don't care about anything enough to talk about it for more than 15 minutes. Any longer than that and I'm about ready to kill myself and/or whoever I'm talking to. I just don't have the attention span.
Third, guys don't have to work very hard to please me. I'm what is known as "low maintenance." I'm pretty damn self-sufficient, and it's something I'm proud of. I will never ask if the clothes I have on make me look fat, because I know the answer. And after the fourth midnight-McDonald's-run in a week, I can't really blame it on the clothes anymore. I won't make a guy go shopping with me because I hate shopping with [straight] guys. When I worked at Forever21, I would see these girls dragging their poor boyfriends around the store, piling clothes on him like he 's a cart with legs. There is no other expression in the world that is so pure in its unhappiness as "the boyfriend in Forever21."
Also, I always laugh at my own jokes, so there's no need to pretend you think I'm funny! Who wouldn't want to date me, ammiright??
So it's gotta be the lack of decent men. I think I might write about that another day. Recounting all of the horrible dates I've been on will be long enough to be its own post for sho.
Hey! Something fun: If anyone is actually reading this and has an awful date story to share, please tell me. I love awful date stories.
