Dear Me on My 26th Birthday,
First, I’m glad you found this note. I hid it in the walk-in refrigerator in the kitchen of the restaurant where you’re currently working as the assistant manager. I knew you’d be in here, pretending you needed to get more pancake batter. But I know you came in here because, after working for the same tyrannical asshole for 4 years, you’ve learned it’s best to cry in the walk-in. The crisp 40 degree temperature makes it hard to stay in here for very long.
Honestly, he’s not even the real reason you’re crying. He’s an aggravator to your bigger problem, which we’re going to address in full - right now. Put on your big girl panties nice and tight; we don’t mess around on this side of 25.
I want you to forget about your boss. Forget about pancake batter. Forget about the red onions you’ve asked Phil* to prep at least 3 times today that are still sitting there on the shelf untouched. I want you to look around. No, not at the food. Metaphorically. Look at the hole you’ve fallen into. This isn’t where you wanted to be. You’re not sure how you got down here, and you don’t know how you’ll ever get out, and you’re thinking you’ll probably die down here. In fact, you’re starting to wish that you would just go ahead and die in this hole and be put out of your misery.
Girl. Shut up, and listen to my words: 26 is the year we get you out of this damn hole.
It’s not going to be fun or easy. It’s going to hurt. Don’t focus on the whole of the hole. You’ll get out taking it step by step. We’ll get to the first step in a second, but before that I have some bigger situations to prepare you for.
Your cheeks are cold from tears. You are trying to distract yourself from the hurt you feel by arranging and re-arranging gallons of orange juice (which is futile, as hell will freeze over long before the servers grasp an understanding of proper food rotation). Here goes the first big truth bomb: The devices you use to dissociate from your unhappiness are killing you. Unfortunately, you can’t un-hear this statement, which is why this year will hurt so bad. If you want to overcome the unhappiness, you’re going to have to let yourself feel it, so you can identify where it’s coming from. You’ve been wallowing in pain and self pity for long enough; time to lick your wounds. There are a lot of ways you’ll find healing, but you must start by acknowledging and sitting in the hurt that’s already present. You are desperately unhappy. And that’s okay. The motto for 26 is “this is going to hurt, but it won’t hurt forever.”
Now that you’re awake in the hole, I have another uncomfortable truth bomb: You will not be able to get out by yourself. Sure, fine. You’re an “independent woman who don’t need no man.” Keep telling yourself that. Truth is, strong independent women don’t get themselves stuck in holes. And should they find themselves in one, guess what? They will ask for assistance as needed, because they know they’re worth the help. If you were stuck inside a literal hole, and were too weak or wounded to pick yourself up, there would be no shame in shouting “HELP” until someone came along with a rope. Don’t hesitate to get yourself the help that you need. Let yourself be amazed on the day that you look down into the hole and realize you’ve climbed all the way out of it.
The truth bomb that will take the longest for you to fully process is that you don’t need a romantic relationship to validate or save you. I know you’re immediately feeling defensive. “Well, duh. I know I don’t need a man.” No, you don’t know. You know it’s a thing that people say, but you don’t know it in your heart. You don’t feel it in your bones. Deep down, you believe that belonging to someone will be your personal zenith, and will cure all of your problems. Stretched over the course of two relationships, it will begin to sink in that you have already been saved, and you have all the validation you will ever need. The man who has your heart now will only have it for a few more months. He will continue to take advantage of you until you realize that you deserve better. Stop making excuses for his behavior. The way he speaks to you is abusive. Stop thinking you can heal his addictions. You cannot and will not change him. Stop blaming yourself for his shortcomings. He doesn’t treat you like sh*t because you aren’t good enough, he does it because he’s a loser who hates himself. Again, not your problem. Cut your losses, and move on. This is where you find your balance. Pay attention to the stability you feel in that decision to let him go, however small and seemingly insignificant it is. That stability is key.
On the topic of men, 26 will teach you to trust. Trust your friends, trust new people, trust God. You will learn the terrifying and freeing feeling of giving someone your complete trust. This is the only way to succeed in a relationship. Trust must be established. But, it also must be maintained. When you start to question your choice to trust another person, this is your body’s way of alerting you to potential harm. Truth Bomb: Trust your gut. You are not a stupid individual. Far from it, actually. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. Keep steady, and stay honest. The truth always comes out. As the dust settles on the second relationship of 26, I promise, you’ll find yourself still standing tall, feet firmly planted, chin up, eyes clear, and heart full. Thank God you made it out in one piece, and never look back.
Now, bring your attention back to the walk-in refrigerator, in the kitchen, of the restaurant where you’re working as an assistant manager. With honest eyes, take in what you see and how you feel. This is my last truth bomb: You don’t belong here. It is time to say goodbye and find something else to do. You may not land your dream job, but you’ll learn a lot about your capabilities. Use the four characteristics you master this year: trust, humility, confidence, and vulnerability, and propel yourself forward, away from the hole and toward your purpose.
Between you and me, I hope that 28-year-old me will show up where I am now with some good news about 27. We really took a beating through 26. Maybe she’ll have tales of great courage, deep intimacy, good hearted & honest men, new friendships blooming, and old ones thriving. But she might not. I may have another difficult year ahead. One thing I know for certain is no matter what happens in 27, 28 will be stronger, and she’ll be laughing.
I will leave you with this: 26 is going to suck, but you’ll come out of it a better person on the other side. The first thing you can do is stop crying. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. Each day is what you choose to make it. If your boss wants to keep using you as a punching bag today, let him. Don’t be bothered. Meet his rage with over the top, comical kindness. Go enjoy yourself. Smile. After all, it’s your f***ing birthday.
Love,
Me on My 27th Birthday
PS: Don’t forget the pancake batter you said you were going to grab.
*names have been changed to protect identities, but said person would absolutely be able to identify himself should he read this, and I don't care. Lazy ass.
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