Fake Commencement Speech

We had to write fake commencement speeches for my Senior Capstone class. I wrote this. Sorry if it offends anyone. You know what, no. I'm not sorry. Enjoy. Bitches.

Libby Genz

Commencement Speech

Dear Libby,

     I’m writing this for you to read the day you move in to Belmont University to start your freshman year. Right now, you are sitting in the car, or you are eating breakfast at Grandmama’s house, waiting for Mom to say, “It’s time to go!” You’re nervous and emotional. I will now address each thing you are worried about in this moment, and then share with you some things you can look forward to.

     First, and this will be the hardest to hear: Don’t waste any ounce of energy missing Severus*. I know, he’s your high school sweetheart, and your first love. And yes, he may have cried the day he moved into his dorm when you had to leave. The nights that you plan to stay in so you can video chat with him, or wait for him to call you (heads up: he will almost never call when he says he’s going to, because he’s an ass hole), you could be spending the time doing things on campus; getting to know new people, exploring Nashville. One thing you need to understand about people is that they change their minds. This is just part of life. It will be difficult, but try not to be too mad at him when he changes his in a couple months. You can be a little mad at him for choosing to do it over the phone. Also, if you need someone to focus your anger at when you’re a senior and STILL SINGLE, it’s perfectly okay to blame him even though he has nothing to do with it. It just seems right.

     You’re probably worried you won’t like your roommate. Don’t worry, you will. She won't like your tendency to leave all your clothes on the floor, but you all will get along. Who you won’t like is her arrogant snob fatheaded boyfriend. You’re going to want to leave whenever he comes over, because you don't do a very good job of hiding how much you hate him. I suggest going to the gym and working off that 40 pounds you are going to gain by regularly eating a dinner of rainbow sherbet and a whole can of Pringles. You will eventually reconnect with this wonderful girl once you both are a little older, and you are maintaining your mess in your own room in your own apartment, far, far away from her. Sometimes it takes space to really appreciate a person. (Note: this does not apply to her boyfriend. Space doesn’t help his situation. Nothing can.)

      You will make friends. It will take a really, really long time. Eventually they will form. You will, by chance, meet another Belmont student while you are visiting in Wilmington, North Carolina this summer. He and his friends will end up becoming your close friends as well, so when you see him around campus, don’t do that thing where you pretend to be on the phone so you don’t have to talk to people. While it is a really good method to avoid social contact, it’s really only hurting you in this instance. Talk to the people you sit next to in class. Take genuine interest in the things they have to say. Get to know as many people as you can so you will never have a weekend without plans. Also, never say no if given an invitation. (Well, use discretion, obviously. If you feel like you might get raped or drugged, then say no.) The people who become your close friends will teach you so much. Couple things: on that road trip you all take to New York, bring a book. You’re going to get cranky around hour 8 and no oneis going to want to interact with you again until around hour 11. Also, on the trip you guys take to Holiday world, wear sunscreen. Really though, you’ll so need it. Always cherish every moment you have with these people, because every moment with them is a memory. It’s a story you’re going to tell your children so many times they’ll know it by heart and groan accordingly every time you tell it. Actually – not sure if any of the stories are child appropriate…

     Here’s more: “Natty Ice” is disgusting. Always say no. Vanderbilt parties are never ever worth it. If anyone wants to go to a Vanderbilt party, you know you’re hanging out with the wrong people. That guy in your Intro to Audio/Video Production class you think is cute? Ask him out. I mean, like,yesterday. If you don’t, he’ll end up with a girlfriend and you’ll end up kicking yourself for the next three years for being quiet. When someone is making plans and the word “SATCO” is mentioned, it would be wise to opt out. I know I said to always jump on any social opportunity, but it is important to know that to your body, SATCO = food poisoning. There’s a balcony on the fourth floor of Inman that has a breath taking view of down town. Just saying, it could come in handy when you’re on dates and looking for romantic opportunities.

     In the time when you don’t have a car, make a habit of walking to places. A beautiful love affair will begin with you and fresh air. Walks are your best medicine. They could mean routine if you are needing something familiar. They could give you the adventure you need if you’re looking for change. They lead you to new places. Being outside is cleansing to you.

     Finally, I’ll say this: get to know yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want. Discover where you want to go in life. Don’t let any person walk all over you, or get in the way of you becoming who you’re supposed to be. You have a lot of love to give and you don’t need to waste it all on needy, unappreciative people. Always look out for yourself too, and the people that really care about you will stick around.

Best Wishes,

Libby (4 years later)

P.S. - Look out for a letter from Libby (20 years later) who will hopefully tell you that Severus* is wasting away in a trailer park, balding, with no one to keep him warm at night but his massive beer gut.


*name changed for confidentiality. Chose to use said boyfriend's favorite fictional character's name to make up for having this on the internet for several years using his real name.