Been in a rut lately?
If you're too broke to get counseling or medication, no worries. I got you.
I have this idea about art and its various media and why we enjoy it, why some pieces speak to us and others don't. I think it's all about the experience you get when viewing a specific piece. It's about capturing an emotion that you can't fully grasp and being able to visualize it, or hear it. There's something therapeutic in that sensation.
Now, each person's definition of "art" varies greatly based on different qualities, like previously attending a pretentious liberal arts school, or feeling the need to impress a hot guy. Some people wouldn't consider television programs art. I disagree. It's all about the experience; how a show makes you feel.
That being said, the three shows I'm going to talk about have for the most part never been considered artistic in any way. Really I'm just trying to put a beautiful spin on my obsession with stupid television shows. It's been a hard couple of weeks, just go with me, okay?
Oh also, after the description of the show, I've included a mini drinking game. Because if the show doesn't make you feel better, the alcohol sure will.
Problem: You feel restless because you don't know where you're headed in life. Life generally confuses you. You want answers.
Solution: Criminal Minds (or another crime show. This one is my favorite and therefore the best.)
Criminal Minds is perfect for times of confusion. It's a typical formulaic crime show about a team of profilers in the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. Each episode focuses on a different scary/creepy/bizarre/scarring murder case which plays out over 60 minutes. There are two reasons why this show is great: First, each episode is compelling enough to distract you from whatever is going on in your life. Where did the cute little girl go??? Is she alive still?? Will Shemar Moore take his shirt off at some point? You must find out the answers to all these questions. Second, all of your questions will be answered at the same time, every time. (Around the 50 minute mark.) I have developed a method to figuring out who the "unsub" is early on, which helps make the show more entertaining. While you are watching fictional lives ending and most certainly being desensitized, it feels like you're playing a game! You want to look for a middle aged white man who is both bald and wearing glasses that are slightly too big for his face. NOTE: Using this method will result in a real life fear of bald men with big glasses.
Drinking Game:
-Drink any time Penelope Garcia hits on Derek Morgan before delivering bad news about a victim. Drink again if it makes you uncomfortable.
-Drink every time you find yourself wondering if Dr. Spencer Reid would be good in bed. No? Really? I'm the only one who wonders that? Well drink anyway for the love of smart men.
-Drink whenever one of David Rossi's eyes is squintier than the other one. By the way, that's always so you're gonna be smashed.
-Drink whenever the victim is an ugly crier. Double up if you laughed at the crying victim. You sick bastard.
Problem: You've lost faith in humanity. You're sad and need a pick-me-up.
Solution: Modern Family
Ohhh this show... There's a reason it's won so many awards. For some reason I always LOVE shows that twist my emotions. I love when I'm laughing for 20 minutes and then the last 3 I just sob my damn ass off. When laughter turns into sobbing that's even better. Modern Family, they always know what to say. If you live under a rock or have no desire to smile ever, the show follows the daily happenings within a normal family, the premise being that no matter how dysfunctional, a family is forever bound by love. Every episode I watch seems to hit too close to home. Anybody else notice that? I'll watch that show and it will solve problems I didn't even know I had. I don't ever need to go to counseling because this fictional family just cured me of all my ailments.
Drinking Game:
-Drink every time you look at Sofia Vergara's boobs when she talks instead of her face. We all do it, don't even try to lie. You're looking at them right now, I can see you.
-Drink whenever you wish you were a little asian girl being raised by a gay couple.
-I wish for really weird things sometimes.
Problem: Your mind is racing and you want nothing more than to turn it off. You don't want to think at all.
Solution: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
If that's not art, I don't know what is.
Hear me out - this show is magical. I promise. This is what gets you: you think it's a mindless show you can just turn on and have in the background, but it's not. You'll be sitting there thinking: "Today was horrible... My boss is crazy. Gawwwwdd I have to go back tomorrow. I don't get a day off until Sunday and it's only Wednesday aagggghh...How did I get here? I had so many things going for me, and I'm working at a shitty place that sucks the soul out of me...I hate.......... did that little girl just say her pet pig is gay?" And then you can't look away from Honey Boo Boo. With one single catchphrase, "YOU BETTA REDNECKOGNIZE," and she sucks you into her crazy backwards world. For those of you with dignity who might not know, Alana AKA "Honey Boo Boo" is a little girl who became famous for her shocking and hilarious appearance on TLC's Toddlers in Tiaras. TLC of course gave this little pistol her own show, which chronicles the life and times of Honey Boo Boo and her amazing family. The matriarch of the family, June, or "Mama," is the glue holding the family together. She's around 300 pounds, is an advanced couponer, and she is, in her own words, "beautimus." Alana has 3 sisters, whose actual names I cannot remember: Chickadee, 17, starts off pregnant, has her baby mid season. Chubbs (no, really), 15, is there also. She says some things sometimes. Punkin, 12, is the foulest, rudest, grossest 12 year old girl in existence. She could cuss the tattoos off a sailor. Alana's father is also a part of the family, he goes by "Sugar Bear." He has no teeth and is roughly 200 pounds lighter and a foot shorter than Mama. Sugar Bear has a brother that comes around sometimes who Alana calls "Uncle Poodle." He is called Uncle Poodle because he is gay. The beauty of this show is that the whole time you are sitting there with your mouth open thinking "Why the hell do they wash their hair in the kitchen sink," and then out of nowhere comes an important life lesson. One of the main lessons I learned from this show is that of unconditional acceptance. Say what you will about this family, they love all people. Doesn't matter what shape, size, color, background, sexual preference, or species. When Chickadee gives birth to her daughter it is revealed to the family that baby Kaitlyn was born with two thumbs on one hand. Upon hearing this Honey Boo Boo says "I wish I had an extra finger, then I could grab more cheeseballs." Well said, tiny genius. Well said.
Drinking Game:
-Drink every time new lingo is introduced: Beautimous, vajiggle jaggle, biscuit (not what you think...), smexy, etc.
-Drink when Mama makes "sketti." Take a celebratory drink if you can watch her make it without gagging.
-Drink whenever Alana's stomach is showing (too much for a 6 year old).
-Stop drinking when you no longer need to subtitles to understand what they're saying.
And there you have it.
What a wonderful distraction...
