College Graduates' Lament

Thanks to a study done by some ass holes at Georgetown University, listing the most and least lucrative college degrees, it has come to my attention that I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life.

What an expensive waste of time.

If it's been a good day and you're looking for a quick way to turn it into shit, go ahead and give the study a glance. For those of you who don't want to jump off of a bridge, here's all you need to know: Apparently the only people getting paid in America are Pharmacists and Engineers. Sorry, white college graduates. Enjoy using that journalism degree to wipe tables at Applebee's.

This puts me in a difficult position because going to college was my only real plan for making it. That was the only trick I had up my sleeve. I've been trying really hard to stay positive, so instead of wallowing in pity (which means taking shots of tequila and chasing with Oreos and tears) I've come up with some back-up plans:

Plan B: Get an Ugly Rich Husband.
Obviously getting a Sugar Daddy would be the most ideal way to secure my future. I think I'd make a good bored/rich housewife. I could pick fights with the maid and sleep with the gardener. Sounds like a dream! Some of you are saying, "Why does he have to be ugly?" He doesn't, I'm just being realistic. Clearly I'd prefer a Hot Rich Husband, but I'm not a blonde pilates instructor. The only possible flaw with this plan is that once a gold-digging blonde pilates instructor makes herself available, I'm history.

Plan C: Try to pull off that "wandering gypsy" thing.
I'll save up and buy an airstream and drive it all around the country. I'll stay in a town for 3 or 4 months at a time working as a waitress or some odd jobs. That will work for a couple years until I'm ready to settle somewhere. I'm not thinking much through with this plan, but it sounds so cool!

What I think living in an Airstream would look like

What it would actually look like

 It will be fun until I get murdered and my killer cuts off my limbs and buries them in a desert miles apart from each other.

Plan D: Jump in front of a car, sue the driver for millions.
If it's not a brilliant idea, then tell me why so many people are using this method to pay their bills today? Once the money from the first accident runs out, and I can maybe walk again, I'll just come up with something else. I'll find a fried toe in my chicken nuggets. I'll work for Walmart and say that I was overworked and sexually harassed. Walmart just gives money to anyone that takes them to court. That's some shady business, right there. I am all about it.

Plan E: Stop giving any f***s and hope TLC makes a reality show about my family.

It worked for some people.



I'm done thinking about this, it's bumming me out. Oreos!!

Adventures in Beauty

I love going to the salon. Any salon. Hair salon, nail salon. Maybe it's because I like having an excuse to sit in a chair for 45 minutes, or maybe it's because I like having Asians rub my feet. Either way, I love going. Most people do, after all it is a salon's job to make clients feel comfortable, beautiful, and spoiled.

My hair-girl is the best. She's so good, she keeps getting promoted and now I can no longer afford to get my hair cut by her. She knows how to make her clients feel like royalty. It's genius, really: get a person so drunk with vanity that they're willing to shell out $30 for you to put a bunch of goo in their hair. Tell them things like "Girl your hair looks so now," or "Oh my goodness, I can't stop looking at you. You look so beautiful." People turn into putty. What you don't do is point out any of a client's possible flaws. 

My hair-girl was working on someone else, so she had another hair-girl wash my hair and wax my eyebrows. She did okay with the small talk for a while. Then she looked at my face, and said seven words that ruined my life: "Do you get your lip waxed also?"

WHAT?????

Immediately on the defensive, I said "No..." and narrowed my eyes and burned the stupid trollop with my death stare. The world I knew was shattered. Have I had a mustache this whole time and never known about it? Why would she ask that if I didn't obviously need it done? Why would she ask a person that at all? Two things one should never assume is true about a woman: 1) That she is pregnant. 2) That she is aware of her facial hair. 

I spent hours looking at my reflection in different lighting. I still can't decide if I actually had a lady-stache (probably not), but it bothered me enough that I bought an at-home wax kit. 

That's right. Feminism died a little today. You're welcome, ladies. 

Here's my step-by-step guide to facial waxing, since I have done it once and am now an expert:

Supplies needed: 

- 1 At-Home Waxing Kit

- 1 Beer

Step 1: Open the beer. You might as well start drinking now, because you're not sure how bad at-home waxing is going to hurt. You're not even sure you have enough hair for the wax to pull off in the first place. 

Step 2: Do the necessary research. 

Step 3: Draw a mustache on your mirror because you're hilarious.

Step 4: Kind of read the directions. You've pulled off a band-aid before, that's basically the same thing.

Step 5: Put wax strip on face. Take selfies and send to friends.

Step 6: Pull the wax strip off in the opposite direction of your hair-growth. 

Step 7: Put long-named-fancy oil over waxed area to remove leftover wax. 

Step 8: Celebrate that you have a big puffy red streak on your face and you can't tell any difference! This was totally unnecessary! You look like the Joker, congratulations! 

MUSTACHE FREE AMERICA.

The personal ad basically writes itself, here. #foreveralone

I Am The Anti-Lauren Conrad

I, like every female my age, LOVE Lauren Conrad. Yes, every female. Even the ones who won't admit it. Even the ones who claimed not to watch The Hills, the reality show she starred in on MTV, because the show was "shallow," or "pointless," or "scripted." While all of that is true, you still watched it and you still want to be her.

Nobody is perfect, except for Jesus.
And Lauren Conrad.

 Anyway, Lauren Conrad is our generation's Every-Woman. She does everything, and she does it impeccably. Oh, you've got a clothing line? She's got three. And a home decor line. You wrote a book? LC wrote six. All of that, AND she's prettier than Martha Stewart. Give it another year and she'll have her own cooking show.

Naturally, she has a very popular lifestyle blog, www.laurenconrad.com, just so she can let you know of all the things she can do better than you conveniently in one place. She's got her own head quarters for the blog, with a full staff of writers and contributers.

One such writer posted an entry a couple weeks ago (that I read, of course, since I'm subscribed to LC on facebook, twitter, etc.) called "Rise and Shine: How to Make Your Mornings Brighter", laying out a very simple seeming morning routine. It starts at 10pm, when you go to bed, and ends at 9am, when you arrive at work, and includes time for exercise, a shower, and a full breakfast. It's the ideal way to wake up every morning. Honestly, I have tried to nail this down ever since I read the article, and I have yet to be successful in this mission. Some of us just aren't prone to routine.

For you people like me, here's Libby Genz's Morning Routine:


Rise and Shine: How to Stay Asleep As Long As Possible and Still Make It to Work On Time

10:00 - Be in or around your bed.

12:00-12:30 - Fall Asleep while looking at Buzzfeed.com, phone in hand.

12:45 - Drop phone on face, and wake up.

1:00 - Fall back to sleep.

6:00 - Sleep through alarm.

7:13 - Wake up suddenly, realizing you slept through your alarm.

7:15 - Decide you don't really need to wake up until 8:00. Set another alarm, go back to sleep.

8:00 - Sleep through alarm.

8:15 - Wake up suddenly, realizing you have 15 minutes to get ready for work in order to leave by
8:30.

8:17 - Opt out of taking a shower, put your hair up in weird twisty bun and hope no one notices how dirty it is. Foolishly become confident in how much time you have. Sing any given Beyonce song.

8:20 - To balance a very obvious "I didn't try at all this morning" hair-do, put on make up. Get caught up in whatever Beyonce song you're singing during this process.

8:31 - Stop singing to yourself in the mirror. Yell out your favorite expletive. Scramble to find something to wear. Settle for a variation of the same outfit you wore the day before.

8:36 - Get in your car and go to work. Speed the whole way to make what should be a 30 minute trip last only 25 minutes.

8:59 - Arrive at work. Thank God that you didn't get pulled over despite driving recklessly and having expired tags.

9:05 - Have a healthy breakfast of frozen yogurt covered in Reese's Peanut Butter cups.



ADULTHOOD. YOU'RE DOING IT SO WRONG.

17 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Seventeen

Adorable baby Allie, seen here savagely choking my stuffed Sleepy-time Ernie.

My baby sister is 17 today.

what......

Re-read that for 15 hours and you'll be about where I am right now.

I was 17 (math...) six years ago. In the big scheme of my life, six years is not that long. But so much happens in the six years between 17 and 23. I thought I'd finally figured out life at age 17. Every six years I'm reminded that I know absolutely nothing.

So for my sister today, I'm going to list 17 things I wish I'd known about life six years ago. Now, those of you who knew me at age 17 and also know my sister know that we are very different (AKA she has herself figured out and I was a total mess). She definitely doesn't need this advice at all. BUT I'M MAKING HER READ IT ANYWAY. I'M OLDER THEREFORE I'M THE BOSS.

1. Having a cell phone is the most convenient burden known to man. Sure, it's great. You want to Snap Chat a picture of a plant that looks like Harry Styles to your friend, you have the ability to do so. You're too lazy to figure out what 23 - 17 equals, you have a calculator at the ready (who has time for math these days, amiright? It's 2013.) You can text mom from downstairs to ask when dinner is going to be ready, and she will respond via text message instead of yelling "WE'RE GOING TO PASTA HOOOOOUUSE." Having the world in your palms is amazing. But it's also annoying.

Hanging out becomes everyone sitting quietly on their phones looking at twitter. I know it sounds lame, but this is the truth: there's a whole bunch of cooler things happening in real life, in real time, all the time. Put your phone away when you're with family or friends. Another thing that sucks about cell phones is that people can reach you 24/7. They can text you, call you, email you, etc. And that's not all, they expect a response in five minutes or less. Sometimes you need to be truly by yourself to stay on track. Leave your phone at home and go on a walk for 30 minutes. You'll come back and see that the world is right where you left it.

2. Your high school boyfriend most likely isn't going to be that important. Get over it. I know, he has a super cool Volkswagen van, and has a super cool beard, and is "just like, different, like, I don't know. He's so real." Believe me, I know. He may be awesome, but you are too. Don't make being his girlfriend part of your identity, because statistically speaking, he's not going to matter in 6 months. It's cool though, don't worry. He's gonna make some lucky man very happy one day.

3. Mom and Dad are always right. No really. Always. Really. I mean it. Does it make sense? No. How is that even possible? Don't question it, just accept it because it's reality. Steve & Jennifer hold all the answers to all the questions in the universe. Not only are they always right, 4. They know everything that goes on, always. So any funny business, just assume that they know. You aren't that good of a liar. Who are you kidding thinking you could lie to them anyway? They raised you.

5. If you stand up for yourself, the people who really care about you will stand up with you. In high school, friends come and go like pimples. Maybe that wasn't the best example. Whatever. Full steam ahead! Some girls are nice. Some girls are mean. Nice girls get manipulated. So here's my advice to nice girls: being assertive doesn't mean you aren't nice. You know what you like and what you don't like. You know that being mean to people isn't funny, it's hurtful. You know this. Don't let a mean girl make you think that bringing other girls down is a way to bring yourself up. Don't stoop to her level. At the end of every day she looks in the mirror and tells herself she's better than other girls. She has an unstable reflection patched together by lies. The nice girl ends every day looking in the mirror with her head held high because her self worth is built on good virtues. She doesn't have to put others down to feel good, and she goes to sleep happy. Strong nice girls stick together and are invincible.

6. Those who stand up with you are like home-base.  In a year or so, everything is going to change. You're all going to go to college, you're going to grow up into different people. Stay in touch with the Nice Girl Gang (tag line: "Most likely to get picked last in gym") while you're running around figuring out your life. They will keep you grounded. And really, they're so much easier to talk to than other people because they've known you forever. Sometimes you don't have the energy to explain your feelings. All you have to do is text them something like "mrrrnn" or "womps" and they know exactly what you mean.

7. 3 AM Steak-N-Shake meals always end in deep, life-changing conversations. I don't know. Maybe it's something they put on the french fries.

8. College is going to be a lot harder than high school. People say this to you all the time. Because they mean it. If you go to college thinking you can not study for a test and manage to pull a B, get ready for a rude awakening. (This is more specific to me, Allison won't have this problem at all because she's not a cocky idiot.)

9. When in doubt, hang out at Walgreens. My friends and I did this when we were 17, and we still do. What does that say about us though... Maybe we're really boring and Walgreens isn't actually that awesome... Haha, no that can't be it. Walgreens is awesome.

10. Be with your family at least one day a week. You'll be really sad one day when you're sitting alone at a Starbucks by your apartment, and you'll be wishing you could go home and play with your dog, throw stuff at your little brother's head, hear your dad laugh and hug your mom.

No I'm not crying in public. I just got some over-priced iced coffee in my eye.

11. Cosmopolitan magazine is stupid. Don't even bother.  It's the same crap every month, and the tips aren't that good. You don't ever need to look seductive at work, and Ke$ha's REAL work out routine is bulimia and cocaine.

12. Talk to your teachers. They are very wise. It's weird to think they don't live in their classrooms. They have really cool outlooks on life. Also, if you talk to them, that makes them like you. And when they like you, they give you things like recommendation letters and donuts.

13. Don't worry about being cool. I promise in a year, you're going to look back at your Facebook pictures from this year and cringe with shame. "sooo many duck lip pics.... why...."

14. If you're planning on going away for college, enjoy the city you live in while you can. The Arch isn't that exciting, really. It's rickety and quite frankly, a little terrifying. But when you're 300+ miles away, you'd give anything to be in one of those shaky, cramped pods, looking over a muddy river and decrepit casino-boats.

15. When a guy says "Come over and watch a movie with me," he doesn't want to watch a movie. Unless a male says "Come over! I'm making cookies and watching Bridget Jones' Diary!!" he's got other things on his mind. And you're a Nice Girl, and Nice Girls don't like having that conversation. If you have to have it, and no isn't working, just say something like "I can't watch Sharknado with you, because my family was killed by a tornado of sharks when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or, "I can't watch Wreck-It-Ralph with you, because my family was killed by a video game character when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or "I can't watch Harry Potter with you, because Voldemort killed my parents when I was a baby, I don't wanna talk about it..." and then clutch your forehead like it stings. Works like a charm.

16. Having a job is cool because you make money, but it also means you have to work. You aren't getting paid to play Tetris on your phone. Not that I ever did that at my first job........

17. Enjoy not having responsibilities while you can. This doesn't apply to all seventeen-year-olds, but it applies to my sister and me. This is a great time of your life because you're old enough to walk out on the wire without supervision, but you also have a cushy safety net if you fall. The net will sometimes take you shopping to make you feel better. In 4 years, the safety net will decide that you're probably good on your own, and it won't help you anymore. And you don't really need it. It's just scary not having it there. Also in 4 years, the safety net will decide to make your room into a "guest room" and take down all your Green Day posters. So enjoy that luxury while you still can.



Life is what you make it. If you see "Chapter 17" as miserable, it will be miserable. If you want it to be wonderful, make it wonderful. If I know my sister at all, "Chapter 17" will be everything she wants it to be.

TV Therapy

Been in a rut lately? 

If you're too broke to get counseling or medication, no worries. I got you. 

I have this idea about art and its various media and why we enjoy it, why some pieces speak to us and others don't. I think it's all about the experience you get when viewing a specific piece. It's about capturing an emotion that you can't fully grasp and being able to visualize it, or hear it. There's something therapeutic in that sensation. 

Now, each person's definition of "art" varies greatly based on different qualities, like previously attending a pretentious liberal arts school, or feeling the need to impress a hot guy. Some people wouldn't consider television programs art. I disagree. It's all about the experience; how a show makes you feel. 

That being said, the three shows I'm going to talk about have for the most part never been considered artistic in any way. Really I'm just trying to put a beautiful spin on my obsession with stupid television shows. It's been a hard couple of weeks, just go with me, okay?

Oh also, after the description of the show, I've included a mini drinking game. Because if the show doesn't make you feel better, the alcohol sure will. 

Problem: You feel restless because you don't know where you're headed in life. Life generally confuses you. You want answers.

Solution: Criminal Minds (or another crime show. This one is my favorite and therefore the best.)

Criminal Minds is perfect for times of confusion. It's a typical formulaic crime show about a team of profilers in the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. Each episode focuses on a different scary/creepy/bizarre/scarring murder case which plays out over 60 minutes. There are two reasons why this show is great: First, each episode is compelling enough to distract you from whatever is going on in your life. Where did the cute little girl go??? Is she alive still?? Will Shemar Moore take his shirt off at some point? You must find out the answers to all these questions. Second, all of your questions will be answered at the same time, every time. (Around the 50 minute mark.) I have developed a method to figuring out who the "unsub" is early on, which helps make the show more entertaining. While you are watching fictional lives ending and most certainly being desensitized, it feels like you're playing a game! You want to look for a middle aged white man who is both bald and wearing glasses that are slightly too big for his face. NOTE: Using this method will result in a real life fear of bald men with big glasses. 

Drinking Game: 

   -Drink any time Penelope Garcia hits on Derek Morgan before delivering bad news about a victim. Drink again if it makes you uncomfortable. 

   -Drink every time you find yourself wondering if Dr. Spencer Reid would be good in bed. No? Really? I'm the only one who wonders that? Well drink anyway for the love of smart men.

   -Drink whenever one of David Rossi's eyes is squintier than the other one. By the way, that's always so you're gonna be smashed.

   -Drink whenever the victim is an ugly crier. Double up if you laughed at the crying victim. You sick bastard.

Problem: You've lost faith in humanity. You're sad and need a pick-me-up. 

Solution: Modern Family

Ohhh this show... There's a reason it's won so many awards. For some reason I always LOVE shows that twist my emotions. I love when I'm laughing for 20 minutes and then the last 3 I just sob my damn ass off. When laughter turns into sobbing that's even better. Modern Family, they always know what to say. If you live under a rock or have no desire to smile ever, the show follows the daily happenings within a normal family, the premise being that no matter how dysfunctional, a family is forever bound by love. Every episode I watch seems to hit too close to home. Anybody else notice that? I'll watch that show and it will solve problems I didn't even know I had. I don't ever need to go to counseling because this fictional family just cured me of all my ailments. 

Drinking Game:

   -Drink every time you look at Sofia Vergara's boobs when she talks instead of her face. We all do it, don't even try to lie. You're looking at them right now, I can see you.

   -Drink whenever you wish you were a little asian girl being raised by a gay couple. 

   -I wish for really weird things sometimes. 

Problem: Your mind is racing and you want nothing more than to turn it off. You don't want to think at all. 

Solution: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

If that's not art, I don't know what is. 

Hear me out - this show is magical. I promise. This is what gets you: you think it's a mindless show you can just turn on and have in the background, but it's not. You'll be sitting there thinking: "Today was horrible... My boss is crazy. Gawwwwdd I have to go back tomorrow. I don't get a day off until Sunday and it's only Wednesday aagggghh...How did I get here? I had so many things going for me, and I'm working at a shitty place that sucks the soul out of me...I hate.......... did that little girl just say her pet pig is gay?" And then you can't look away from Honey Boo Boo. With one single catchphrase, "YOU BETTA REDNECKOGNIZE," and she sucks you into her crazy backwards world. For those of you with dignity who might not know, Alana AKA "Honey Boo Boo" is a little girl who became famous for her shocking and hilarious appearance on TLC's Toddlers in Tiaras. TLC of course gave this little pistol her own show, which chronicles the life and times of Honey Boo Boo and her amazing family. The matriarch of the family, June, or "Mama," is the glue holding the family together. She's around 300 pounds, is an advanced couponer, and she is, in her own words, "beautimus." Alana has 3 sisters, whose actual names I cannot remember: Chickadee, 17, starts off pregnant, has her baby mid season. Chubbs (no, really), 15, is there also. She says some things sometimes. Punkin, 12, is the foulest, rudest, grossest 12 year old girl in existence. She could cuss the tattoos off a sailor. Alana's father is also a part of the family, he goes by "Sugar Bear." He has no teeth and is roughly 200 pounds lighter and a foot shorter than Mama. Sugar Bear has a brother that comes around sometimes who Alana calls "Uncle Poodle." He is called Uncle Poodle because he is gay. The beauty of this show is that the whole time you are sitting there with your mouth open thinking "Why the hell do they wash their hair in the kitchen sink," and then out of nowhere comes an important life lesson. One of the main lessons I learned from this show is that of unconditional acceptance. Say what you will about this family, they love all people. Doesn't matter what shape, size, color, background, sexual preference, or species. When Chickadee gives birth to her daughter it is revealed to the family that baby Kaitlyn was born with two thumbs on one hand. Upon hearing this Honey Boo Boo says "I wish I had an extra finger, then I could grab more cheeseballs." Well said, tiny genius. Well said. 

Drinking Game:

   -Drink every time new lingo is introduced: Beautimous, vajiggle jaggle, biscuit (not what you think...), smexy, etc. 

   -Drink when Mama makes "sketti." Take a celebratory drink if you can watch her make it without gagging. 

   -Drink whenever Alana's stomach is showing (too much for a 6 year old). 

   -Stop drinking when you no longer need to subtitles to understand what they're saying. 

And there you have it.

What a wonderful distraction...

Concerned From A Distance

You have a relatively large face upon which to convey emotion, but I really only notice your eyes. You say everything with your eyes.

So many days have passed looking at those eyes, I still know nothing about them. The constant grimace that I once despised has grown on me - a look of anticipated disappointment, of high expectations not being met. Your nose crinkles as if you can smell failure. A frown and furrowed brow speak loudly, but those eyes... two icy blue pools of contempt.  

Angering you is sensational, like playing with matches. Every harsh word I say is just to see those eyes fill with fire. The heat thrills me.

But it's your smiling eyes that are my favorite. Nothing beats those eyes, not even a thousand Christmas mornings. 

Lately your eyes have been foggy. I don't know why. Sometimes I can still see a flicker of light in them. 

I hope they clear up soon. I very dearly miss their company. 

Career

This is a puzzle that my Grandma has been working on since Christmas. She gets
frustrated because the pieces are sometimes too small for her to see, so it's taken her
an extra long time with this one. I think she secretly likes the challenge. 

It's a little comforting to know that some really successful people struggled to get where they are today. Tina Fey worked the morning shift at a YMCA in Chicago, and was part of an touring improv group that paid $75 a show before she got her "big break." Mindy Kaling worked as a dog sitter. Or a nanny or something. I guess it's all about timing. At the right time, you'll meet the right person, and perhaps that person will lead you to your "big break."

I don't know when that big break is going to come. I have about 3 months to figure it out. That's when my lease expires. I'm incredibly stressed. I put that on myself though. I could have been trying since May. I always thought I had time. Turns out I don't. The only thing getting me through is believing that everything is going to work out for the best. I just have to give it everything I've got, and I'll end up somewhere. Hopefully that place is not in my parents guest room, or on the street, but hopefully a place of my own. A step forward.

Right now I feel like I'm looking at a table covered in a thousand puzzle pieces that haven't been put together yet. I can't see the end picture. All I have at the present time is one goal - to get to the end picture. Am I ever going to see that end picture clearly? Is life a series of puzzles, or is it one giant puzzle that we piece together as we go? I have no idea.

I do know that if I want anything to happen, I have to move. That's about all I can do right now. Just start putting pieces together and see where that gets me. 

Things To Think About Other Than the Guy You Currently Like

It's 12:50am. Still thinking about that guy who hardly knows you exist? Maybe start thinking about something else, or you will be labelled as "obsessive" and "creepy."

Here's some ideas:

- The meaning of life

- Time and Space

- Where you want to be in 5 years

- Analyze if Bert and Ernie were really lovers, or if it's all just rumors

- Think about how Sesame Street would be more awesome if it featured lessons from openly gay puppets in a domestic partnership

- Apparently there's some nuclear shit going on in North Korea. Think about that

- Replay Star Wars 4,5, & 6 in your head

- Imagine Ke$ha giving the State of the Union Address in place of Obama

- Imagine a Ke$ha presidency

   - who would be VP? 

   - the first all gay cabinet?

   - instead of First Lady, would have First Guy in Giant Teddy Bear Costume?

- Watch TV

- Watch an entire series on Netflix
- Dance in front of your bathroom mirror

- Drink some wine, and become temporarily interested in learning about the wine making process

- Katy Perry's boobs at the Grammy's

- Solidify your stance on hot-button political issues, e.g. abortion, gun control, Joe Biden.

- Write down all your favorite things about yourself

- Write down all your favorite things about your mom

- Write down all your favorite things about Justin Timberlake

- Come up your "5 Celebrity Freebies" list

- How many squats and wall-sits would you have to do to get a butt like Beyonce's?

- While you're on that topic, think about things other than a baby that should be named Blu Ivy
- Go shopping
- Buy shit you don't really need, like black eye shadow!
- Play with black eye shadow when you get home, make yourself look like a tranny whore

- Make a mental to-do list

- That will probably make you sleepy, so sleep

- Obsessively count all the calories you consume

- Think about contacting that friend or family member you've been meaning to talk to, forget about it almost immediately

- Make lists about stupid things to distract yourself

- Remember you have to wake up for work at 6:30, calculate how many hours of sleep you will be able to get

- Not very many, huh? Go to sleep then

- Picture Ryan Gosling telling you about how his day went, focus on his muscles and don't listen to him

- Shop online

- PINTEREST

- Make a brownie in a mug!!

   - 4 tbs flour

   - 4 tbs sugar

   - 2 tbs cocoa powder

   - 2 tbs oil

   - 2 tbs water

   Heat in microwave for 1 minute, top with a dollop of peanut butter

   Pat yourself on the back for your small accomplishment.

- Thank God for brownies

Progress Not Being Made

For your viewing pleasure:

I'm boring.

Am I though? I feel like I am. I don't really do anything other than work. I feel like I'm stuck.

I watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight. (THIS IS THE GRIPPING LIFE THAT I LEAD.) (ALSO THIS WAS WRITTEN ON A MONDAY SO THAT STATEMENT IS INACCURATE.) I really don't need excitement like that in my life. Their lives certainly aren't boring. Or maybe they are, and they are so bored that they have to create stupid drama* problems that aren't really problems, write books about their divorces**, spend lots of money, and get really drunk off of $100 bottles of champagne - no, no. That still sounds awesome.

I want to be so rich that I'm never bored. I want my wealth to make me delusional so I can write Best-Selling books about ordinary problems, or star in a reality show where I throw drinks at gay event planners. Is that too much to ask, universe?

Have you ever seen RHOBH? Those women act like high schoolers. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it though. I like watching them get in fights about misunderstandings and accuse one another of being "on drugs." Instead of being a real-life bitch I can live vicariously through their bitchiness. Also they live such ridicu-fabulous lives. Honestly, if you took away the beautiful mansions, the expensive restaurants, and the regular trips to fancy resorts in various tropical locations, the show wouldn't be entertaining because the women would be normal. Those ladies can do anything they want, have tantrums at five star restaurants (you know if anyone tried to flip a table at T.G.I. Fridays, the police would be involved), and jet off to wherever. 

I've hardly been out of the country. I went to Toronto in 8th or 9th grade to go to a wedding. The groom used to work with my parents. He married a girl from Nova Scotia I think. MY POINT: Canada does not count as out of the country. It hardly even counts as a country. Canada is the US's ugly hat that we can't take off. (It covers our bald spot.)

I see all these women who have done all these awesome things. They studied abroad in college. They take artsy pictures while mountain biking somewhere in the Pacific Northwest (where I have also been, for the record), they speak a language other than English. They pull off that whole "natural" look and no one asks them if they are sick/tired. BITCHES. 

I guess what brought this on is all my fault really. It's a lesson in internet karma: If thou doth stalk thy person of interest (and in this case, his sister) (and his mom) , thou will find some superior women to compare thyself to, and thou shalt feeleth like dog shit. Creepy, uninteresting, uncultured dog shit.

The worst part of this whole experience is that I think I'm boring. I don't want to think I'm boring! I'm supposed to be my #1 fan! If I don't have my back then who will? I learned that from Beyonce. Me, Myself, and I, that's all I got in the end.

I need to get out of this rut and find a new adventure. Preferably one that's free and wont end in humiliation. So that eliminates anything involving gracefulness or upper-body strength...

*I want to stray away from using the word "drama" for every tense situation. I don't know, I'm really starting to hate that word. It's becoming a cliche. Girls say this crap all the time and it's hilarious: "I hate drama." If you have ever spoken those words you do not hate drama.  

** Who keeps telling these women that writing about divorce is a good idea? They are not the first ones to get divorced. Literally HALF of this country has experienced divorce in some way. We all made it through okay without knowing what Brandi Glanville and her Botoxed Housewives friends had to say about it.