Va-what?

PG-13

Recently for my internship I interviewed owners of a waxing salon here in Nashville. I was looking at their website to see what kind of services they offer. They have the ordinary stuff: eyebrows, legs, chin, etc. Totally normal. Until I got to the "Bikini" section. For just $90 you can treat your cooter to a "Designer Brazilian," which, as they put it, cleans up "From here to there!" Now, this was no surprise, as I knew what a brazilian wax was. Where it got weird was the line after, which reads, "Designs available upon request," which would have been puzzling on it's own, but there's more: "or a Vajazzle to add some bling bling!"

First: Designs? Apparently this is a trend. People, women in particular, will have their pubic hair shaved/waxed/whatever into a shape, like a heart, or an arrow, or a smiley face. My first thought is why? WHY would someone want to make their pubic hair look like anything but pubic hair? Who was THAT DAMN BORED one day that they decided to shave their love rug into a heart shape? Who has that much time on their hands? I wonder what kind of things people come up with. The canvas itself is relatively small, so these women have to be creative. Maybe a monogram? Some preppy girl who loves monograms could have her letters daintily chopped in so every time she wipes she's reminded of her initials (or, ya know, whatever other purpose monograms serve. I never really understood them). Maybe girls can start having their names down there to give their one night stands a better shot of remembering. I know for men generally one-night-stands are easy to forget, but you're definitely going to remember the freak who had her named shaved into her pubic hair, amiright? And just how elaborate do these designs get? I want to go into one of these salons and ask them to make it look like Van Gogh's Starry Night just to see if they would do it.

Second: What the HELL is a "Vajazzle??" Lucky for you, I did the research and can now inform you about all things Vajazzle. Warning: You can't un-know this. Sorry.

According to the Vajazzle website, Vajazzling is "the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman's nether regions for aesthetic purposes." No I am not joking and yes this is totally serious. The rhinestones are glued to your ya-ya and the ladies of the waxing salon tell me they last about 5 days and are not uncomfortable at all. Now, if you have a brain, around this point you are thinking to yourself one of two things: "How could this possibly become popular?" and "Who in their right mind would pay $90 to have this done to them?" Here's your answer:

J-Love. Really betch? Let's look beyond the fact that her poor momma probably bawled her eyes out after she saw this interview for having raised such a tacky daughter. We'll even look past the fact that she's talking about her naughty bits with George Lopez of all people. She experienced a bad break up, like we all do from time to time. What's bizarre is that the best thing she could come up with to get over it was, "You know what would make me feel better? A sparkly vagina!"

I'm not trying to hate on my sex or anything, and I know the human body is beautiful blah blah blah, but the privates are the ugliest parts!! The phrase is "bumping uglies" for a reason, okay? No amount of glued on crystals are going to change that, even if they are Swarovski. Although it is fun to think of all the possibilities. You could get the date of the last time you were tested so all your [unfortunate] partners can feel a little bit better about the encounter. On that same subject, you could break the bad news to them in a fun way, "I have gonorrhea :("  Or you could be mean and spell out "This used to be a penis" to mess with them. I wonder where vajazzle artists draw the line. Is there a line? You're already gluing rhinestones to the "nether region," how can there be any limitations on that?

Maybe one day ad agencies can pick up Vajazzling as a form of non-traditional advertising. Girls could be paid to get crystallized Red Bull cans or slogans like "Have it Your Way" fashioned onto their in-pants billboards. Imagine the money you could make rocking "T-I-C-K-E-T 1" or "877 CASH NOW" on your kaslopis.

In conclusion, euphemisms for external reproductive parts are really fun, and I should be in advertising.