What Your Clothes are Saying About You

This post is inspired by a guy I saw walking around campus. He was wearing shutter shades. I felt like he might need some help.

A lot of people think that clothes are just objects used to cover up our nakedness. This is false. I am no fashion guru, but I think I might be able to help people out with this guide revealing the silent implications of different accessories or clothes.

You're Welcome.

Contrary to popular belief, this guy has never seen
a girl naked, and probably never will.

Shutter Shades: If you aren't Kanye West, and particularly if you are a white-male-college student, say no to the shutter shades.
Desired Image: You may think the shutter shades make you look like a cool, fun guy. You don't really take too much seriously, but you party like it's your job. Girls will take one look at you and think, "Damn, I wanna suck that guy's dick."
The Reality: Putting a pair of these bad boys indicates that you think you are God's gift to the universe, and that your weekend plans include pounding a case of Natty Ice and roofying a new sorority recruit. Girls will take one look at you and think, "Damn, that guy desperately wants to get his dick sucked."

Sammi Sweetheart: A hoop earring enthusiast, professional
skank, and the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.

Hoop Earrings: If hoops are your earring of choice, you need to be careful. They can be cute, but be aware: Hoops are frenemies.
Desired Image: You want people, boys specifically, to know that you are a classy/hot/sexy lady. Guys will look at you and think, "Ooo, that girl is super fine. Look at those hoops!"
Reality: Hoops mean that you'll probably put out on the first date. Even if you're wearing them to church every damn Sunday. Get a couple vodka+cranberry juice's in you and there's no amount of prayer that can keep those legs closed. Guys will look at you and think, "I'm gonna get that girl wasted, because she looks like a sure thing." Take my advice, and avoid the hoops, unless the image you want to project is Jersey Trash.

Unless the class you're attending is "How to be a
High Class Stripper," take these OFF.

Heels to Class: Now, I need to be clear about this. I mean club-heels, or "f-me" heels. Heels can work in a classroom setting if appropriate. Call me a square, but I feel like the classroom is not necessarily the place to wear "f-me" anything. I have broken this rule when there's a hot guy in the class who I'm too afraid to talk to. The idea is to let my D-cups do the talking for me. Pathetic, I know. What girls need to remember is that everyone in the class can see you, not just the hot guy. The other girls can see you and will judge you accordingly. The teacher can see you. All the other guys in the class can see you. Even the creepy one who sits in the back corner and picks out his bellybutton lint.
Desired Image: You want everyone in the class to be impressed with how much effort you put into your outfit, and think that you wear heels everywhere. To bed, in the shower, while you're pooping. You want the guys to see how hot you look in class and assume that you look hot all the time. You want the girls to be jealous and feel bad about wearing sweats. I mean, you're wearing heels. These broads need to step it up. You want your teacher to think you're fancy.
Reality: Everyone in the class thinks it's weird that you wore those heels. For one, it doesn't make any sense. If you're going to be walking around campus all day, why on God's green Earth would you want to wear stilettos? The hot guys think you're an idiot, and that you try too hard. The girls are all thinking that you're a whore. The teacher probably can't see them, so it doesn't matter. Bellybutton boy in the back corner is sniffing his lint covered fingers and thinking "Me likey."

Ditto all of this at the grocery store. You're walking around with a box of tampons and some Pepto Bismal. You do not look sexy. Go home and change.

Affliction/Ed Hardy Tees (men): Stop it. You look like a douche bag.
Desired Image: I honestly don't know with this one. Maybe you think you look tough? Like, "Ain't NObody messin wit me at the club tonight. I look mean in this rhinestone covered purple tee shirt!"

Reality: You do not look tough. You look god awful. It's looks like Elton John started taking steroids.

Even that plant thinks you look like a moron.

Readers: Readers are glasses without prescriptions. A fashion statement I will never understand and that I hate with a fiery passion.
Desired Image: Maybe you think you look artsy, or intellectual. Maybe you're a slave to trends and since they sell them at Forever21, it must look cool.
Reality: You look like an idiot. You're probably one of those people who does really stupid things like go to a big city and stay with a stranger you found on couchsurfing.org who ends up being a rapist/murderer. And you know what? It's because of the readers. I don't even feel bad for you.


Socks with Sandals: Again, to be clear, this goes for people who are trying to make a statement. Athletic boys who really don't give a crap what they look like can step out in some socks and sandals any day. I think that's endearing. Who I'm talking about are the douchey guys who think they look really cool.

Socks with Sandals: Only okay if you are a) Eugene from
Hey Arnold, b) Japanese, or c) a grandpa.

Desired Image: You want to look really laid back. I hear that this is a big thing for boys who go to school in Colorado. You want to look like you rolled out of bed, and your toes were cold, and the only shoes you own are sandals.
Reality: We all know you own more shoes than that. Mummy did not send your snooty ass all the way to Boulder without a decent pair of closed-toed shoes. You're probably one of those rich kid hippies. You are a different kind of douche bag: the Mountain douche bag. You smoke a bowl before class, and spend your summer back home in the midwest talking about how beautiful Colorado/Oregon is and complain about how the change in altitude is messing with you. It doesn't matter how disheveled you look all the time, when you graduate you'll still probably land a six figure job that you don't need because of your hefty trust fund. And for that, I can speak for everyone and say we all hate you.

Slutty Clothes Over the Age of 40: We've all seen her. The mom who comes to her son's soccer games wearing less clothes than her teenage daughter. A little belly shirt, some ass-crack hanging out the back of her too tight jeans, it's a mess.
Desired Image: 40 is the new 30, right? Who says you can't look as hot as your 16 year old daughter and her friends? You are a MILF and no one should be denied the right to check out your smokin bod.
Reality: Dressing like this suggests that you are experiencing some serious mental issues. You are not a MILF. You're a MINWTSN (Mom I Never Want To See Naked). Trust me, Granny, nobody wants to see your wrinkly sagging titties, so put that shit away before my eyeballs liquify.

(Side note: I was trying to find a picture of this, and I googled "Slutty Mom." Only do this if you want to watch porn about slutty moms. I should've known.)

Happy Birthday

Awkward Birthday Serenade!!! Thanks, Celine. 

Women's Magazines: His Member, Your Va-jay-jay, and Why It's All a Load of Dog Sh*t

It's my blog's 1st birthday!! YAYYYYYYY A WHOLE YEAR OF WRITING ABOUT STUPID STUFF!! If you haven't already, I'd like the blog's facebook page (button to the left) because it would make the blog feel loved on its birthday.

Technically, since it's 12:10am Mountain Time (I'm at my dad's in CO), there are 14 days until I go back to school. Well, 14 days until I leave for school. I can't actually move in until the 21st. I miss my friends terribly.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about was my problem with popular magazines for girls/women.

The most popular options, at least amongst the 17-25 crowd are Cosmopolitan and Seventeen. Now, granted, I don't actually know any 25 year olds who read the latter, but I know all 17 year olds read the former. At age 21, I've read both, for the most part.

See if you notice a trend...

I stopped reading Cosmo a couple years ago, because I got sick of it. Ladies, don't tell me you haven't noticed after 15 billion issues that it's ALL THE SAME CRAP EVERY ISSUE. Really. Take a look at the covers to your left. "100 Sex Truths," "Sex He Craves," "Do This on Date #1 and He's YOURS!!" "25 Sexy Office Looks," (in what office is it okay to look "sexy"??) "Lipstick colors He Adores on You," "Real Men talk: Shoes That Make You Irrestistable." ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME?!?


A whole lot of teenage girls buy Cosmo for one purpose: to read the sex tips. This may be because they both think very highly of themselves and have a very busy sex life at a young age, so they consider themselves the target audience (like a select number of popular girls at my high school. I suspect a couple of them started reading it in middle school. How else would they know so much about "His Down-There Domain"? Ick.) The other reason teenage girls have a desire to read the sex tips is because at 17 years old, a boy has not so much looked at them, and they're desperately curious to see what goes on when a girl is lucky/hot enough to dance the mattress jig with a dude. In other words, they read the sex tips while in the magazine aisle at Walgreens to fill a void because they're virgins (like me and my friends in high school).

So yes, while it is unbelievably funny to read all the ridiculous euphemisms for "penis" Cosmo comes up with (my personal favorite: "his member"), what bugs me about this magazine is that it seems as though we women have no other purpose in life but to provide mind-blowing sexual experiences for our male counterparts. Everytime I read the magazine, my self esteem took a dive straight into the crapper because a) Guys weren't throwing themselves at my feet begging for me to sleep with them, and b) my ass never has and never will look like Kim Kardashian's. But once I got to college, like a great number of college students do,  I became all self-righteous and enlightened and decided that this magazine wasn't for me. For one, all those tips are totally pointless, because if we're being honest, it doesn't really take much to satisfy men. As long as you're naked and willing to let him hump you, that's a pretty good start. And I don't want to read anymore stupid crap like "10 Things That Make A Woman Undateable." It makes me feel as though I'm selling myself short.

I'd like to point out that I
did not intentionally pick
covers with only blonde
girls. That's just what came
up on Google Images.

And to expand on the "10 Things": I actually came across this article today on Cosmo's website while I was researching funny names for penis. It made me laugh. It's a list of guys' "dating deal-breakers" that were submitted via twitter. For example, @Matty_Millz will not date you "If you can't kiss." @djklutch is not a fan of "The pale skin and really red lipstick combination." Good for you guys! Way too look past all the important things, like her personality and how motivated she is, and focus on the shallow stuff. She could be a total genius and spend all of her time volunteering, but if her skin is pasty and she likes red lipstick, it's automatically a no-go. My all-time favorite tweet though has to come from @Zay_InkdUp, aka the man who will never ever find love. This pitifully stupid individual can't stand it when "A girl farts in her sleep." Talk about high-maintenance. I wonder how he feels about girls who fart while conscious. I would like to see how that would play out: He takes a beautiful girl on this wonderful date, they totally get along, awesome conversation. He asks her if she wants to sleep over, and she miraculously says yes, they do it, and both fall asleep. Around 4AM she lets one rip, and I can totally picture him, with the collar of his t-shirt covering his nose, poking her and saying "Okay, you gotta get the hell outta here. Either call yourself a cab, or go sleep on the couch. Take this can of febreeze with you. No I will not give you blanket. Goodnight." Romance at it's finest. What the hell, bro?? If all men are like you, I am screwed. Apparently you missed that element of biology or anatomy that says all mammals fart. It's like pooping and peeing, EVERYONE DOES IT. Even girls. Were you expecting glitter and roses? Sorry for that, man. What a let down. If you want to see whether or not these 10 douche-bags on twitter would date you, you can do so by clicking here. (Notice how the girls' answers are equally as shallow.)

Good wholesome fun with Paris Hilton

The other magazine that makes me angry is Cosmo's skanky idiot kid-sister Seventeen. When I say that, I mean it's the exact same content, just replace the word "sexy" with "flirty." "376 Flirty Looks That Will Get His Attention." Seventeen does a better job at marketing towards actual 17 year olds in an appropriate way than Cosmo. They preach that whole "abstinence is the safest route" brouhaha, which, I think, is good not so much for the 17 year olds who are probably already having sex, but more for the 14 year olds who's idiot parents let them buy the magazine. They also talk about other options like contraceptives if you tend to be more of a hoochie-mama-Cosmo-gal. So that's all fine and dandy for the younger crowd. My age group, the college crowd, we've pretty much learned all of that already. Actually, there's a lot in Seventeen that is irrelevant to college-age girls. Also, most of the focus is on, go figure, boys and dating. Yes, for a lot of teenage girls (myself included, when I was one) boys are the center of the universe. However, I don't feel that young girls should make their entire existence about getting a boyfriend. It makes high school incredibly unbearable for loser girls like me, who read Seventeen and set unrealistic goals like "obtain boyfriend." Another thing that would be really great for Seventeen to do would be to market to the young lesbians. If there was any group in the world that needed a resource for love and dating and life in general it would be teenage homosexuals. Now, being a hetero adult myself, I don't actually know if there are any magazines geared towards gay youth, but I wouldn't be surprised. That's not what I mean though. I think it would be cool for a 17 year old having trouble with her sexuality to read about lesbianism in Seventeen amongst the rest of the articles about boys. Maybe this would help her realize that her feelings are normal, since they are talked about in Seventeen. I don't know. Just a thought. So, Libby, why do you read it if you hate it so much? Good question. It's the only magazine I've come across that dresses it's models in cute AND affordable clothing.

Amy Sedaris AND Cake. Need I say more?

One women's magazine that I really have grown to love is Bust. I call it my snotty-feminist magazine, because it focuses mainly on feminist issues. It's certainly not perfect. Once, I left it open on the counter in my parent's kitchen, and my step-dad walked by and I guess started thumbing through it. He came across an article about foods to make your guy's, um, "spunk" taste better, and told me I shouldn't read such filthy stuff. In his defense, that is pretty damn gross. And in my defense, I didn't read that particular article. It also has weird advertisements for reusable menstrual products (ewwwww), and, like Cosmo, every issue has a sexy story. Cosmo goes for the more subtle title "Red Hot Read" whereas Bust goes for the more in-your-face "One Handed Read." Awkward. Despite all of these oddities, this magazine so rocks. Every issue includes one page of sexual advice from two sex therapists, one page of, uh, masturbatory literature, and one or two ads for vibrators and the like. So 3-4 pages about sex, so the rest of the magazine can devote itself to content that actually matters. It highlights strong females doing things to change the world in some way, which is what I love. It has a little of everything for every woman: knitters, old ladies, cooks, lesbians, straight girls, crafty girls, musical girls, black girls, white girls, asian, girls, christian girls, jewish girls, atheist girls, skinny girls, fat girls, even some stuff for gay men. It's awesome.

I suppose women will have to search to find meaning in magazines, meaning beyond spreading our legs to get what we want in life. In conclusion, Bust is a pretty cool magazine, check it out, Seventeen is not for the 21+ crowd, Cosmopolitan is completely and totally useless, and I really really really wish I was back in Nashville.