What Your Clothes are Saying About You

This post is inspired by a guy I saw walking around campus. He was wearing shutter shades. I felt like he might need some help.

A lot of people think that clothes are just objects used to cover up our nakedness. This is false. I am no fashion guru, but I think I might be able to help people out with this guide revealing the silent implications of different accessories or clothes.

You're Welcome.

Contrary to popular belief, this guy has never seen
a girl naked, and probably never will.

Shutter Shades: If you aren't Kanye West, and particularly if you are a white-male-college student, say no to the shutter shades.
Desired Image: You may think the shutter shades make you look like a cool, fun guy. You don't really take too much seriously, but you party like it's your job. Girls will take one look at you and think, "Damn, I wanna suck that guy's dick."
The Reality: Putting a pair of these bad boys indicates that you think you are God's gift to the universe, and that your weekend plans include pounding a case of Natty Ice and roofying a new sorority recruit. Girls will take one look at you and think, "Damn, that guy desperately wants to get his dick sucked."

Sammi Sweetheart: A hoop earring enthusiast, professional
skank, and the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.

Hoop Earrings: If hoops are your earring of choice, you need to be careful. They can be cute, but be aware: Hoops are frenemies.
Desired Image: You want people, boys specifically, to know that you are a classy/hot/sexy lady. Guys will look at you and think, "Ooo, that girl is super fine. Look at those hoops!"
Reality: Hoops mean that you'll probably put out on the first date. Even if you're wearing them to church every damn Sunday. Get a couple vodka+cranberry juice's in you and there's no amount of prayer that can keep those legs closed. Guys will look at you and think, "I'm gonna get that girl wasted, because she looks like a sure thing." Take my advice, and avoid the hoops, unless the image you want to project is Jersey Trash.

Unless the class you're attending is "How to be a
High Class Stripper," take these OFF.

Heels to Class: Now, I need to be clear about this. I mean club-heels, or "f-me" heels. Heels can work in a classroom setting if appropriate. Call me a square, but I feel like the classroom is not necessarily the place to wear "f-me" anything. I have broken this rule when there's a hot guy in the class who I'm too afraid to talk to. The idea is to let my D-cups do the talking for me. Pathetic, I know. What girls need to remember is that everyone in the class can see you, not just the hot guy. The other girls can see you and will judge you accordingly. The teacher can see you. All the other guys in the class can see you. Even the creepy one who sits in the back corner and picks out his bellybutton lint.
Desired Image: You want everyone in the class to be impressed with how much effort you put into your outfit, and think that you wear heels everywhere. To bed, in the shower, while you're pooping. You want the guys to see how hot you look in class and assume that you look hot all the time. You want the girls to be jealous and feel bad about wearing sweats. I mean, you're wearing heels. These broads need to step it up. You want your teacher to think you're fancy.
Reality: Everyone in the class thinks it's weird that you wore those heels. For one, it doesn't make any sense. If you're going to be walking around campus all day, why on God's green Earth would you want to wear stilettos? The hot guys think you're an idiot, and that you try too hard. The girls are all thinking that you're a whore. The teacher probably can't see them, so it doesn't matter. Bellybutton boy in the back corner is sniffing his lint covered fingers and thinking "Me likey."

Ditto all of this at the grocery store. You're walking around with a box of tampons and some Pepto Bismal. You do not look sexy. Go home and change.

Affliction/Ed Hardy Tees (men): Stop it. You look like a douche bag.
Desired Image: I honestly don't know with this one. Maybe you think you look tough? Like, "Ain't NObody messin wit me at the club tonight. I look mean in this rhinestone covered purple tee shirt!"

Reality: You do not look tough. You look god awful. It's looks like Elton John started taking steroids.

Even that plant thinks you look like a moron.

Readers: Readers are glasses without prescriptions. A fashion statement I will never understand and that I hate with a fiery passion.
Desired Image: Maybe you think you look artsy, or intellectual. Maybe you're a slave to trends and since they sell them at Forever21, it must look cool.
Reality: You look like an idiot. You're probably one of those people who does really stupid things like go to a big city and stay with a stranger you found on couchsurfing.org who ends up being a rapist/murderer. And you know what? It's because of the readers. I don't even feel bad for you.


Socks with Sandals: Again, to be clear, this goes for people who are trying to make a statement. Athletic boys who really don't give a crap what they look like can step out in some socks and sandals any day. I think that's endearing. Who I'm talking about are the douchey guys who think they look really cool.

Socks with Sandals: Only okay if you are a) Eugene from
Hey Arnold, b) Japanese, or c) a grandpa.

Desired Image: You want to look really laid back. I hear that this is a big thing for boys who go to school in Colorado. You want to look like you rolled out of bed, and your toes were cold, and the only shoes you own are sandals.
Reality: We all know you own more shoes than that. Mummy did not send your snooty ass all the way to Boulder without a decent pair of closed-toed shoes. You're probably one of those rich kid hippies. You are a different kind of douche bag: the Mountain douche bag. You smoke a bowl before class, and spend your summer back home in the midwest talking about how beautiful Colorado/Oregon is and complain about how the change in altitude is messing with you. It doesn't matter how disheveled you look all the time, when you graduate you'll still probably land a six figure job that you don't need because of your hefty trust fund. And for that, I can speak for everyone and say we all hate you.

Slutty Clothes Over the Age of 40: We've all seen her. The mom who comes to her son's soccer games wearing less clothes than her teenage daughter. A little belly shirt, some ass-crack hanging out the back of her too tight jeans, it's a mess.
Desired Image: 40 is the new 30, right? Who says you can't look as hot as your 16 year old daughter and her friends? You are a MILF and no one should be denied the right to check out your smokin bod.
Reality: Dressing like this suggests that you are experiencing some serious mental issues. You are not a MILF. You're a MINWTSN (Mom I Never Want To See Naked). Trust me, Granny, nobody wants to see your wrinkly sagging titties, so put that shit away before my eyeballs liquify.

(Side note: I was trying to find a picture of this, and I googled "Slutty Mom." Only do this if you want to watch porn about slutty moms. I should've known.)