Jobs That Don't Exist But Should Because I'd Be Really Good at Them

In one month I will have lived here on Earth for 25 years. When I was a kid, I always saw 25 as the zenith of my young adulthood. At 25, I would surely be married with one kid on the way, in a nice house, with a job that I absolutely love. Unless something major happens in the next four weeks, mostly none of that will be true. And I'm okay with that. But it's made me think; 25 years on this little blue dot... I should probably figure out why I'm here.

What am I supposed to do with my life? They say "Do What You Love." That's beautiful, really. But what if the things I love aren't actual jobs? I personally think Millennials are capable of anything as long as our phones are dead. We're totally capable of creating unheard of careers. Here's several ideas I came up with for myself:

1. Person who posts reviews for stupid products on Amazon. Just read the reviews left for this $120,000 television and tell me that wouldn't be an awesome job. Do you have a stupid product that needs attention? Allow me to make fun of it in Amazon reviews. This will increase the views of the product and direct traffic to your company's other, hopefully less stupid, products. I like to try new things and I'm interested in learning about marketing. Plus, I'm really good at making fun of things. Just ask any of my ex-boyfriends.

2. Pet Affirmation. Domestic Animals can be so needy, what with their inability to feed themselves and clean up their own poop. And then on top of that they want your love and affection. It's like, try thinking about someone other than yourself, Mr. Whiskers. Maybe get a job and contribute something to the world rather than sit in a box of your own excrement. Although they are all around terrible creatures with no redeemable qualities, once you own Domestic Animals, you are morally obligated to keep them alive. In order to do this, you may need to take an occasional break. That's where I come in. After 6 hours of my undivided attention, your pet will get the affirmation it needs to become a functioning member of society. I do this by snuggling with them and telling them how cute/good/pretty they are. Domestic Animals need to hear these things in order to feel validated. For an extra charge, I'll even make up original songs for the pet (topics: the pet itself, cleaning up the pet's poop, treats, hypothetical adventures the pet and I could experience, pretty much anything.) In conclusion, please let me play with your pets! See below some of my satisfied clients:

 

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*You may be confused by the toddler. While not technically a "Domestic Animal," toddlers are very similar in nature. I also give toddler affirmations, as long as the toddler is willing to share her jelly beans.

3. Personal Cheerleader. I will follow you around or show up wherever you want me to be, donning a cheerleading uniform and pom poms, and I will make up encouraging chants to motivate you. In the court room ("Defense x get tough! get tough! x Defense get tough! x"), your divorce hearing (A-L-I-M-O-N-Y x He'll pay you until he DIES!), on the toilet ("B x E xx AT! Beat THOSE hemorrhoids! woooo!"). This is my dream job, really. I love motivating people, especially people suffering hemorrhoids.

4. Mattress Tester. I'm a pretty talented person, but my expertise is sleeping. That makes me the perfect candidate for mattress testing. Think about it - there's a job for people/monkeys to test food quality, beauty supplies, video games, unapproved medications. Why not mattresses? Someone contact Mattress Firm and tell them that they need to hire me to test their mattresses before they put them on the showroom floor. I am in a relationship with sleep on a Queen pillow-top from Mattress Firm that has improved the quality of my life. I just want the whole world[of people who can afford mattresses] to experience that feeling. Here's my suggested process: the test will take 12 hours total - 2 hours for pre-sleep (which involves eating ramen and watching Parks & Rec), 8 hours for sleep, 2 hours for post-sleep (in which my time is split between checking my Facebook, and staring at the ceiling thinking about how hungry I am). I will not stop until every mattress has been tested.

5. General Critic. In this position, I will give my unapologetic and uninformed opinion of everything. I don't have any credentials of any sort to justify criticism of literally anything, and I won't offer solutions to my criticisms. I just want the ability to hear myself talk about things that I like and things that suck. I think this would be a service to the universe. You're welcome.

6. Worst-Case-Scenario Preparedness: I am a worrier by nature (make sure you read that as wOrrier, not wArrier. The two are very different, and are mutually exclusive). Make use of one of my biggest weaknesses. For any given circumstance, be it personal or business, I can come up with all of the worst possible outcomes. With these horrible scenarios in mind, you can strategize and plan ahead and always end up on top. It would be nice to see this trait of mine do something other than ruin my happiness.

7. Get paid to eat a meal at every Meat & Three or BBQ joint in America, and write a review of each restaurant on a blog.  I love food. I love taking pictures of my food. I love discovering hole in the wall restaurants in small towns. I love writing. Perfect. You know what? I might just do this anyway, without pay.