Jobs That Don't Exist But Should Because I'd Be Really Good at Them

In one month I will have lived here on Earth for 25 years. When I was a kid, I always saw 25 as the zenith of my young adulthood. At 25, I would surely be married with one kid on the way, in a nice house, with a job that I absolutely love. Unless something major happens in the next four weeks, mostly none of that will be true. And I'm okay with that. But it's made me think; 25 years on this little blue dot... I should probably figure out why I'm here.

What am I supposed to do with my life? They say "Do What You Love." That's beautiful, really. But what if the things I love aren't actual jobs? I personally think Millennials are capable of anything as long as our phones are dead. We're totally capable of creating unheard of careers. Here's several ideas I came up with for myself:

1. Person who posts reviews for stupid products on Amazon. Just read the reviews left for this $120,000 television and tell me that wouldn't be an awesome job. Do you have a stupid product that needs attention? Allow me to make fun of it in Amazon reviews. This will increase the views of the product and direct traffic to your company's other, hopefully less stupid, products. I like to try new things and I'm interested in learning about marketing. Plus, I'm really good at making fun of things. Just ask any of my ex-boyfriends.

2. Pet Affirmation. Domestic Animals can be so needy, what with their inability to feed themselves and clean up their own poop. And then on top of that they want your love and affection. It's like, try thinking about someone other than yourself, Mr. Whiskers. Maybe get a job and contribute something to the world rather than sit in a box of your own excrement. Although they are all around terrible creatures with no redeemable qualities, once you own Domestic Animals, you are morally obligated to keep them alive. In order to do this, you may need to take an occasional break. That's where I come in. After 6 hours of my undivided attention, your pet will get the affirmation it needs to become a functioning member of society. I do this by snuggling with them and telling them how cute/good/pretty they are. Domestic Animals need to hear these things in order to feel validated. For an extra charge, I'll even make up original songs for the pet (topics: the pet itself, cleaning up the pet's poop, treats, hypothetical adventures the pet and I could experience, pretty much anything.) In conclusion, please let me play with your pets! See below some of my satisfied clients:

 

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*You may be confused by the toddler. While not technically a "Domestic Animal," toddlers are very similar in nature. I also give toddler affirmations, as long as the toddler is willing to share her jelly beans.

3. Personal Cheerleader. I will follow you around or show up wherever you want me to be, donning a cheerleading uniform and pom poms, and I will make up encouraging chants to motivate you. In the court room ("Defense x get tough! get tough! x Defense get tough! x"), your divorce hearing (A-L-I-M-O-N-Y x He'll pay you until he DIES!), on the toilet ("B x E xx AT! Beat THOSE hemorrhoids! woooo!"). This is my dream job, really. I love motivating people, especially people suffering hemorrhoids.

4. Mattress Tester. I'm a pretty talented person, but my expertise is sleeping. That makes me the perfect candidate for mattress testing. Think about it - there's a job for people/monkeys to test food quality, beauty supplies, video games, unapproved medications. Why not mattresses? Someone contact Mattress Firm and tell them that they need to hire me to test their mattresses before they put them on the showroom floor. I am in a relationship with sleep on a Queen pillow-top from Mattress Firm that has improved the quality of my life. I just want the whole world[of people who can afford mattresses] to experience that feeling. Here's my suggested process: the test will take 12 hours total - 2 hours for pre-sleep (which involves eating ramen and watching Parks & Rec), 8 hours for sleep, 2 hours for post-sleep (in which my time is split between checking my Facebook, and staring at the ceiling thinking about how hungry I am). I will not stop until every mattress has been tested.

5. General Critic. In this position, I will give my unapologetic and uninformed opinion of everything. I don't have any credentials of any sort to justify criticism of literally anything, and I won't offer solutions to my criticisms. I just want the ability to hear myself talk about things that I like and things that suck. I think this would be a service to the universe. You're welcome.

6. Worst-Case-Scenario Preparedness: I am a worrier by nature (make sure you read that as wOrrier, not wArrier. The two are very different, and are mutually exclusive). Make use of one of my biggest weaknesses. For any given circumstance, be it personal or business, I can come up with all of the worst possible outcomes. With these horrible scenarios in mind, you can strategize and plan ahead and always end up on top. It would be nice to see this trait of mine do something other than ruin my happiness.

7. Get paid to eat a meal at every Meat & Three or BBQ joint in America, and write a review of each restaurant on a blog.  I love food. I love taking pictures of my food. I love discovering hole in the wall restaurants in small towns. I love writing. Perfect. You know what? I might just do this anyway, without pay.

"geargrinder420"

It's 6am. I cannot sleep. It's just not happening. This is incoherent, but my brain has been buzzing for about 12 hours straight, so I needed an outlet.

I stumbled upon a "test your gaydar" quiz while trying (and failing) to fall asleep, and the next thing I know, I've set up an account on OkCupid. That's really how it happened. And I never got the results of my quiz.

I've been hesitant of online dating because it seems too formulated and icky. The 40 minutes I've spent on OkCupid has done nothing but discourage me. Where the hell do they dig up these guys???? My 90% matches look like they crawled out from under a bridge. And the things they expect from women, it's just... what? All these questions... most of them aren't relevant. It's stupid.

It should be this simple:

My name is Elizabeth. I introduce myself as Libby, but if you aren't disgusting or if you're one of my parents you may call me Elizabeth. I go to church, and that's important to me, but I don't want a "Jesus Freak" who is so far removed from the world that he can't have a conversation with my friends. If you disagree with my beliefs, I'm open to intelligent, respectful discussions (respectful being the key word). I want someone who takes the time to spell check his text messages because he wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror if he didn't. I want someone who loves food as much as I do. Dammit I love food. I want someone who will actively pursue his own interests, and be happy for me when I pursue mine. If you maybe smoked a little pot in your younger years, that's fine, just for the love of God don't do it now. Seriously, put that 4 foot bong down and get a damn job. I want a guy who loves his mother. I want someone who is honest all the time. Don't tell me at the end of our date that you have a secret girlfriend in a different state and cry to me about how bad you feel for cheating on her. Please. Be interested in my life at a healthy level. If you tell me you're going to call, please do. I want someone who is able to turn his bad days into good ones on his own without bringing everyone else around him down. Have a  love for baseball, or hockey, or soccer. Make me laugh. Laugh at my jokes. Laugh with me about stupid things. Laugh a lot. Like me even though I'm flawed and have smelly feet. Encourage me to be my best self. That's all I want.


Maybe the reason I keep getting matched with trolls is that I don't bring enough to the table. Or that I write stupid things about dating without proofreading before I publish them on my blog at 6am when I should be asleep.

It Gets Happy-ish Towards the End

The ramblings of a lunatic. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This will come as no shock to those who know me, but I’m not happy. The feeling started a couple months before graduating from Belmont. At first I thought it was a “rut,” or a phase that would pass once I achieved some unstable goal (be skinny, have a job related to my degree, obtain a boyfriend-type companion). Maybe it started out as a rut, and grew into what it is now, which is crippling, terrible depression. How did this happen? Simple:

How to Grow Your Very Own Organic/Gluten-Free Depression:

1. Push down your negative feelings. It’s important that you bury the sadness/guilt/fear/anger deep underneath a thick layer of distractions and junk food. Don’t worry! Just because you can’t see the little guy down there doesn’t mean he isn’t growing! He is safely nestled in your subconscious. To help the seedling develop, practice saying things like “I’m doing great! How are you?,” “I’m taking some time to find what I’m called to do now that I’ve graduated from college” “I’m choosing to be single so I can focus on me.” All of this, and a Netflix account will get you on your way. 

2. After 12-18 months, a little sprout will start to emerge. He’ll spring up in little ways, at a party or a bar with all of your friends. He wants to be part of the action! You’ll start to feel insecure for no reason, and that insecurity will be all you can think about. Everybody is having a great time, except for you. Some people might notice how subdued you are and ask “what’s wrong?” That’s okay, that means your gardening is working! It’s absolutely key at this stage of development to not acknowledge the sprout coming out of your face. Other people might see him, but if you point him out he will die. So you have to pretend like he’s not there. This is your new catch phrase: “Oh I’m fine! Just tired.”

3. It is now time to begin the isolation phase of the growth process. This is achieved by choosing to be by yourself most of the time so that no one else can see the sadness/guilt/fear/anger growing. The worse you feel, the bigger it gets.
     – Only see people you love and care about when you feel obligated to or if you can’t come up with dumb reason not to, or if they start saying things like “why don’t you ever want to hang out?” If you say no enough times, eventually they will stop. Be sad about this, even though you are in control of the outcome.
     – Adopt an aggressive attack strategy when dealing with romance. Shut out and ignore guys who want to talk to you, and ruthlessly make fun of the ones you like. This will ensure that no romantic entanglements get in the way. Again, be sad about this even though you absolutely could change it at any given time.
      – Use humor as a deterrent from meaningful discussions about your feelings. 

4. The last stage is letting your little plant bloom into something wild and out of control. It’s time for the world to see the beautiful awful thing you created! You don’t need to hide him anymore because you can’t anyway. Although, by now denying his existence is a habit, so if you want keep doing so. It will only make him stronger! Stop showering, don’t take care of yourself at all. Hell, why not throw a stressful demanding job in the mix for more oomph? Maybe move into an apartment by yourself 30 minutes away from everyone you care about so you’ll definitely be alone all the time. Watch as your depression blossoms, creating his own path throughout your new home. Pretty soon, everywhere you look he’ll be there.

Awkward, thinly stretched elementary metaphors aside, this is how I feel. I did it all to myself, and I’m tired of it and I’m not sure how to fix it. That’s the honest truth. Now you’re probably thinking, “What is this, MySpace? Genz, you’re not a 14-year-old girl circa 2004 writing crappy poetry on her Green Day themed Xanga. Keep that sad shit to yourself and drown it with wine like an adult!” And you’re right. This is not the best method for airing out my feelings, but I’ve gone too long without acknowledging them. So now the internet knows. Maybe it’s not ideal. Maybe I should’ve gone with telling a friend, or another Real Life Human. But it’s a start. At least I’m admitting it to myself. 

Lately I’ve been thinking I should take life one day at a time. I worry so much about not being enough, or not being the person I thought I would be by this point. And then I make these ambitious lists about bettering myself that I never stick to. One day at a time seems doable; allowing myself good days and bad days. I’ve been trying to look at my world differently, focusing on the present, not the future, and paying attention to the things I have now that I’m thankful for.

For instance:

- I’m grateful for the small group of people who are always happy to see me whenever I feel like showing up. Even if I show up unkempt and in a horrible mood, they still invite me to do things with them. I will forever appreciate my friends. They’re wonderful people. I should probably tell them this in person, but we’re not a group that’s big on talking about feelings unless there’s 2-4 bottles of Evan Williams involved. 

- Although my job is not related to my degree at all, I’m still proud of what I’ve accomplished with the company. I’ve taken a job that I HATED and with the help of a great team and good leadership, I’ve made it into a life changing experience. Tell spoiled freshman in college Libby, who used to sleep on the keyboard at her part time data-entry job, that she grows up to have a work ethic! I have responsibilities. People depend on me. Go back to Studio West Salon & Spa in 2007 and tell bored teenage Libby behind the reception desk that she can and will lead a team, and she’ll… well she won’t be listening because she’s playing Tetris on her flip phone. But shout it in her face anyway! I may not be the best manager there ever was, but damn it! I work my ass off, and it feels good. 

- My apartment is lonely, but it’s nice. And most importantly, I can afford it. I pay those bills without help. They’re not always paid on time, but no one’s perfect!

Glad to get that all off my chest.