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| Adorable baby Allie, seen here savagely choking my stuffed Sleepy-time Ernie. |
My baby sister is 17 today.
what......
Re-read that for 15 hours and you'll be about where I am right now.
I was 17 (math...) six years ago. In the big scheme of my life, six years is not that long. But so much happens in the six years between 17 and 23. I thought I'd finally figured out life at age 17. Every six years I'm reminded that I know absolutely nothing.
So for my sister today, I'm going to list 17 things I wish I'd known about life six years ago. Now, those of you who knew me at age 17 and also know my sister know that we are very different (AKA she has herself figured out and I was a total mess). She definitely doesn't need this advice at all. BUT I'M MAKING HER READ IT ANYWAY. I'M OLDER THEREFORE I'M THE BOSS.
1. Having a cell phone is the most convenient burden known to man. Sure, it's great. You want to Snap Chat a picture of a plant that looks like Harry Styles to your friend, you have the ability to do so. You're too lazy to figure out what 23 - 17 equals, you have a calculator at the ready (who has time for math these days, amiright? It's 2013.) You can text mom from downstairs to ask when dinner is going to be ready, and she will respond via text message instead of yelling "WE'RE GOING TO PASTA HOOOOOUUSE." Having the world in your palms is amazing. But it's also annoying.
2. Your high school boyfriend most likely isn't going to be that important. Get over it. I know, he has a super cool Volkswagen van, and has a super cool beard, and is "just like, different, like, I don't know. He's so real." Believe me, I know. He may be awesome, but you are too. Don't make being his girlfriend part of your identity, because statistically speaking, he's not going to matter in 6 months. It's cool though, don't worry. He's gonna make some lucky man very happy one day.
3. Mom and Dad are always right. No really. Always. Really. I mean it. Does it make sense? No. How is that even possible? Don't question it, just accept it because it's reality. Steve & Jennifer hold all the answers to all the questions in the universe. Not only are they always right, 4. They know everything that goes on, always. So any funny business, just assume that they know. You aren't that good of a liar. Who are you kidding thinking you could lie to them anyway? They raised you.
5. If you stand up for yourself, the people who really care about you will stand up with you. In high school, friends come and go like pimples. Maybe that wasn't the best example. Whatever. Full steam ahead! Some girls are nice. Some girls are mean. Nice girls get manipulated. So here's my advice to nice girls: being assertive doesn't mean you aren't nice. You know what you like and what you don't like. You know that being mean to people isn't funny, it's hurtful. You know this. Don't let a mean girl make you think that bringing other girls down is a way to bring yourself up. Don't stoop to her level. At the end of every day she looks in the mirror and tells herself she's better than other girls. She has an unstable reflection patched together by lies. The nice girl ends every day looking in the mirror with her head held high because her self worth is built on good virtues. She doesn't have to put others down to feel good, and she goes to sleep happy. Strong nice girls stick together and are invincible.
6. Those who stand up with you are like home-base. In a year or so, everything is going to change. You're all going to go to college, you're going to grow up into different people. Stay in touch with the Nice Girl Gang (tag line: "Most likely to get picked last in gym") while you're running around figuring out your life. They will keep you grounded. And really, they're so much easier to talk to than other people because they've known you forever. Sometimes you don't have the energy to explain your feelings. All you have to do is text them something like "mrrrnn" or "womps" and they know exactly what you mean.
7. 3 AM Steak-N-Shake meals always end in deep, life-changing conversations. I don't know. Maybe it's something they put on the french fries.
8. College is going to be a lot harder than high school. People say this to you all the time. Because they mean it. If you go to college thinking you can not study for a test and manage to pull a B, get ready for a rude awakening. (This is more specific to me, Allison won't have this problem at all because she's not a cocky idiot.)
9. When in doubt, hang out at Walgreens. My friends and I did this when we were 17, and we still do. What does that say about us though... Maybe we're really boring and Walgreens isn't actually that awesome... Haha, no that can't be it. Walgreens is awesome.
10. Be with your family at least one day a week. You'll be really sad one day when you're sitting alone at a Starbucks by your apartment, and you'll be wishing you could go home and play with your dog, throw stuff at your little brother's head, hear your dad laugh and hug your mom.
No I'm not crying in public. I just got some over-priced iced coffee in my eye.
11. Cosmopolitan magazine is stupid. Don't even bother. It's the same crap every month, and the tips aren't that good. You don't ever need to look seductive at work, and Ke$ha's REAL work out routine is bulimia and cocaine.
12. Talk to your teachers. They are very wise. It's weird to think they don't live in their classrooms. They have really cool outlooks on life. Also, if you talk to them, that makes them like you. And when they like you, they give you things like recommendation letters and donuts.
13. Don't worry about being cool. I promise in a year, you're going to look back at your Facebook pictures from this year and cringe with shame. "sooo many duck lip pics.... why...."
14. If you're planning on going away for college, enjoy the city you live in while you can. The Arch isn't that exciting, really. It's rickety and quite frankly, a little terrifying. But when you're 300+ miles away, you'd give anything to be in one of those shaky, cramped pods, looking over a muddy river and decrepit casino-boats.
15. When a guy says "Come over and watch a movie with me," he doesn't want to watch a movie. Unless a male says "Come over! I'm making cookies and watching Bridget Jones' Diary!!" he's got other things on his mind. And you're a Nice Girl, and Nice Girls don't like having that conversation. If you have to have it, and no isn't working, just say something like "I can't watch Sharknado with you, because my family was killed by a tornado of sharks when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or, "I can't watch Wreck-It-Ralph with you, because my family was killed by a video game character when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or "I can't watch Harry Potter with you, because Voldemort killed my parents when I was a baby, I don't wanna talk about it..." and then clutch your forehead like it stings. Works like a charm.
16. Having a job is cool because you make money, but it also means you have to work. You aren't getting paid to play Tetris on your phone. Not that I ever did that at my first job........
17. Enjoy not having responsibilities while you can. This doesn't apply to all seventeen-year-olds, but it applies to my sister and me. This is a great time of your life because you're old enough to walk out on the wire without supervision, but you also have a cushy safety net if you fall. The net will sometimes take you shopping to make you feel better. In 4 years, the safety net will decide that you're probably good on your own, and it won't help you anymore. And you don't really need it. It's just scary not having it there. Also in 4 years, the safety net will decide to make your room into a "guest room" and take down all your Green Day posters. So enjoy that luxury while you still can.
Life is what you make it. If you see "Chapter 17" as miserable, it will be miserable. If you want it to be wonderful, make it wonderful. If I know my sister at all, "Chapter 17" will be everything she wants it to be.
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