*okay the font is all messed up and it's pissing me off, so sorry. I don't feel like fixing it.
*Also this contains a lot of foul language, so it is not suitable for little sisters, or grandmama's or people who would be offended by me using foul language or making fun of conservative political pundits, or people who would show my mother/step father. Although I don't know why anyone would do that to me anyway.
So, lately I've been thinking about how messed up our country is.
Think about it. It's really messed up.
And I've been think about ways we could potentially fix it. I came to a pretty decent conclusion: do a little "population cleansing."
Wow - when I say it like that I sound a little Hitler-y.
Okay, this cleansing will in NO WAY be anything like Hitler ever did.
I just think a temporary and humane removal of a few of our nation's most problematic public figures (politicians, celebrities, etc.) might help, so that way the rest of us can try to figure things out.
What I'm thinking is, we buy an Island. Now, I know that our economy is not really capable of doing this right now. But damnit, what are white people good for if not invading and taking over new land? Get a boat, find an island, put an American Flag there. Done. So this Island will need to be big enough to accommodate a large amount of people. It would be really nice if it was out in the tropics, because then it would be more appealing. And it will need to have all the luxuries of American life plus a really kick ass beach. The people on this list are all wealthy enough to build their own mega mansions, and pretty much buy anything they want. We'll just sell it to them as a mandatory long-term vacation. Maybe we can even hire some people to work out there, make it like a resort. That will create more jobs! It's a win-win-win.
The rules/conditions of the island are as follows:
The means of getting the people there are as humane as possible.
The Island residents are allowed to bring family.
They are also allowed to bring all of their material possessions: clothes, cars, gadgets, what have you.
They cannot have any contact with America. Maybe a direct phone line to parents or immediate family members. But no other form of contact. What's the point of kicking them out if we still have to hear from them?
When the people of America decide the time is right, Island residents may be invited back to the homeland.
There will be no internet access on the island. Or cell phone service. I know that's harsh, but it must be done.
With that, we continue onto the list of people.
*Also this contains a lot of foul language, so it is not suitable for little sisters, or grandmama's or people who would be offended by me using foul language or making fun of conservative political pundits, or people who would show my mother/step father. Although I don't know why anyone would do that to me anyway.
So, lately I've been thinking about how messed up our country is.
Think about it. It's really messed up.
And I've been think about ways we could potentially fix it. I came to a pretty decent conclusion: do a little "population cleansing."
Wow - when I say it like that I sound a little Hitler-y.
Okay, this cleansing will in NO WAY be anything like Hitler ever did.
I just think a temporary and humane removal of a few of our nation's most problematic public figures (politicians, celebrities, etc.) might help, so that way the rest of us can try to figure things out.
What I'm thinking is, we buy an Island. Now, I know that our economy is not really capable of doing this right now. But damnit, what are white people good for if not invading and taking over new land? Get a boat, find an island, put an American Flag there. Done. So this Island will need to be big enough to accommodate a large amount of people. It would be really nice if it was out in the tropics, because then it would be more appealing. And it will need to have all the luxuries of American life plus a really kick ass beach. The people on this list are all wealthy enough to build their own mega mansions, and pretty much buy anything they want. We'll just sell it to them as a mandatory long-term vacation. Maybe we can even hire some people to work out there, make it like a resort. That will create more jobs! It's a win-win-win.
The rules/conditions of the island are as follows:
The means of getting the people there are as humane as possible.
The Island residents are allowed to bring family.
They are also allowed to bring all of their material possessions: clothes, cars, gadgets, what have you.
They cannot have any contact with America. Maybe a direct phone line to parents or immediate family members. But no other form of contact. What's the point of kicking them out if we still have to hear from them?
When the people of America decide the time is right, Island residents may be invited back to the homeland.
There will be no internet access on the island. Or cell phone service. I know that's harsh, but it must be done.
With that, we continue onto the list of people.
Spencer Pratt
 | ||
| Seen here with wife Heidi infecting melons with herpes at a local | grocery store |
Suggested by Nina. “He’s good for the island because he’ll take Heidi with him.” For those who are not females in the 18-22 year old age group, Spencer Pratt is a celebrity made famous for his time on MTV’s “Reality” show The Hills. The show chronicled the hard life of rich girl Lauren Conrad as she struggled at Fashion School and with her internship at Teen Vogue, all the while living in her Daddy-funded beautiful apartment in the hills of Los Angeles. Pratt made his debut in Season 2? I think? I don’t remember exactly. I was in high school when I watched the show. He was the sleaze-ball boyfriend of Conrad’s vacuous roommate Heidi Montag (recently in tabloids due to her 10 plastic surgery operations. 10.) Anyway, I don’t remember exactly what happened between Lauren and Heidi and Spencer, but in the later seasons of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer were not friendly with Lauren. From what I do remember, Spencer is incredibly misogynistic, and almost verbally abusive to Heidi. Pretty much, he’s the douchiest of the douche bags.
Glenn Beck "The Derp of Humanity" - Ruthie Hall
 |
| He occasionally gives FOX short breaks from licking his butt hole. |
Ahhh... Mr. Beck. Where to start.
He has so many qualities that make him a perfect candidate for a very long, if not permanent stay at The Island.
For anyone who doesn't know, Glenn Beck is a radio/television host who's apparent main objective is to draw confusing diagrams on chalkboards and create mass panic. He is a conservative political commentator and the author of several books. He's known for his ridiculous conspiracy theories that, unfortunately, about half of the American population believe to be true.
Here is an example of the kind of things Glenn Beck likes to tell America, utilizing his chalkboard of course: "Progressivism is the cancer in America and it is eating our Constitution!" All of his theories revolve around socialism, and how "social justice" is another term for socialism, and how Obama is a socialist, and how liberals are Nazis.
Now if you're smart you're probably asking yourself, "Why would anyone listen to this guy if he's so nuts?" You'd be asking a valid question. And I have an answer for you. Beck plays on fear. It makes sense for his agenda. What are the main things that motivate humans? Money, food, sex, and fear. He can't use food because, well, it would be hard to attach political ideologies to Cheeseburgers (although, they almost did it with the whole "freedom fries" thing, but that didn't work. And, I must admit if politicians found ways to associate their campaigns with cheeseburgers, the country would run a lot smoother. I have a feeling, however, that would be entirely unethical. Someone more educated than me should look into that.) He can't use sex. I mean, look at him. No one wants to hit that. Sex Appeal is out. Any money he gets he keeps for himself, so that's a no. Fear is really his only option. And oh how he enjoys being a fear monger.
What really pisses me off about Glenn Beck, besides the fact that he's completely bat shit crazy, is how much he contributes to the divide of the American people. There's already a divide anyway, sure. But you know what won't make it better? Telling your side that the other guys are Nazis. Panicked people are not happy people. Without his ass yapping about socialism, shit might actually get done in this country. So off to the Island with Glenn Beck, and his precious chalkboard too.
It might be tricky to get him to go though... He thrives on the knowledge that he's scaring the piss out of conservatives, so he might not be too keen on the idea of living on the Island away from everyone. But I've thought that through. We'll give him a camera, and a microphone and simulate a radio/tv station in his home. That way, he'll think he's getting his messages out to Americans, but really we won't be hearing anything. Or, we could just let him come up with wild conspiracy theories and tell them to the gullible conservative monkeys inhabiting the island.
He has so many qualities that make him a perfect candidate for a very long, if not permanent stay at The Island.
For anyone who doesn't know, Glenn Beck is a radio/television host who's apparent main objective is to draw confusing diagrams on chalkboards and create mass panic. He is a conservative political commentator and the author of several books. He's known for his ridiculous conspiracy theories that, unfortunately, about half of the American population believe to be true.
Here is an example of the kind of things Glenn Beck likes to tell America, utilizing his chalkboard of course: "Progressivism is the cancer in America and it is eating our Constitution!" All of his theories revolve around socialism, and how "social justice" is another term for socialism, and how Obama is a socialist, and how liberals are Nazis.
What really pisses me off about Glenn Beck, besides the fact that he's completely bat shit crazy, is how much he contributes to the divide of the American people. There's already a divide anyway, sure. But you know what won't make it better? Telling your side that the other guys are Nazis. Panicked people are not happy people. Without his ass yapping about socialism, shit might actually get done in this country. So off to the Island with Glenn Beck, and his precious chalkboard too.
It might be tricky to get him to go though... He thrives on the knowledge that he's scaring the piss out of conservatives, so he might not be too keen on the idea of living on the Island away from everyone. But I've thought that through. We'll give him a camera, and a microphone and simulate a radio/tv station in his home. That way, he'll think he's getting his messages out to Americans, but really we won't be hearing anything. Or, we could just let him come up with wild conspiracy theories and tell them to the gullible conservative monkeys inhabiting the island.
Ann Coulter
 |
| Sorry, Ann. But no. |
Ann Coulter falls under the same category as Glenn Beck as far as her career is concerned: annoying conservative political commentator, furthering the divide between Democrats and Republicans. However, while Beck is merely crazy, Coulter is a cranky old bitch. I will give her this much: she at least has the credentials to talk shit. She attended Cornell University for undergrad and got her JD at University of Michigan Law School. Whatever. She's still a bitch. I don't care how we get her to the island, just get her there. Now.
Sarah Palin
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| Ironically, Palin was voted "Most Likely to Kill Off an Endangered Species" in High School. |
Look at this face, people. Remember this face. DO NOT LET THIS FACE STAY IN AMERICA.
There are so many reasons why Sarah Palin needs to leave the country. Literally, thousands. Billions even. Not just for the good of the American people, but for the Polar Bears as well.
Another reason? The possibility of her running for President in the 2012 election. I don't know how big that possibility is, but any possibility is too much of a possibility. I'm all for a woman leader. PLEASE JESUS NOT THIS WOMAN. She is completely ridiculous. And forgive me if I'm being rude, but I really do not understand how anyone could buy into the bullshit she says. What has she been trained to do, you ask? Oh, just the most presidential job ever, sports casting. She's pretty much been trained to do the exact same thing that I'm studying in school right now. Would you want me as president? No! Some may say she's had more "experience." Sure, she's been mayor before. Sure she's been Governor of Alaska.
But I know what countries are in NAFTA. And I know that Africa is a continent. Bitch.
I feel like getting her out of the country will be easy. We need to find or create in a lab some kind of hard-to-kill animal so she can spend her time "frolicking about the pretty nature-scenes, shooting stuff." The Island could have everything she'd ever asked for! All the hunting game she wants, a place for Todd to jetski (instead of riding his snowmobile, a small sacrifice for paradise), all the boys will be American, so they'll know her daughters won't put out [anymore]. It's all the comforts of home, just without those pesky rape victims asking for free rape kits and spending her tax money on abortions.
There are so many reasons why Sarah Palin needs to leave the country. Literally, thousands. Billions even. Not just for the good of the American people, but for the Polar Bears as well.
Another reason? The possibility of her running for President in the 2012 election. I don't know how big that possibility is, but any possibility is too much of a possibility. I'm all for a woman leader. PLEASE JESUS NOT THIS WOMAN. She is completely ridiculous. And forgive me if I'm being rude, but I really do not understand how anyone could buy into the bullshit she says. What has she been trained to do, you ask? Oh, just the most presidential job ever, sports casting. She's pretty much been trained to do the exact same thing that I'm studying in school right now. Would you want me as president? No! Some may say she's had more "experience." Sure, she's been mayor before. Sure she's been Governor of Alaska.
But I know what countries are in NAFTA. And I know that Africa is a continent. Bitch.
I feel like getting her out of the country will be easy. We need to find or create in a lab some kind of hard-to-kill animal so she can spend her time "frolicking about the pretty nature-scenes, shooting stuff." The Island could have everything she'd ever asked for! All the hunting game she wants, a place for Todd to jetski (instead of riding his snowmobile, a small sacrifice for paradise), all the boys will be American, so they'll know her daughters won't put out [anymore]. It's all the comforts of home, just without those pesky rape victims asking for free rape kits and spending her tax money on abortions.
Christian Audigier
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| Keeping North East American-Italians Looking Fresh-to-Death. |
Audigier was requested by Courtney Pott, and is the man responsible for dressing Douche bags in a line of tacky rhinestone covered clothes called "Ed Hardy." I think the decision to send him to the island is mainly a punishment. Also I made a rule stating that Jersey Shore cast members could not be banished, so he might be the closest thing. However, that rule does not include any other self-proclaimed "Guidos." Those mother fuckers can go. It will be easy as hell to get them on board. Just make part of the island like a Jersey Shore replica, with a board walk and a bunch of clubs and an endless supply of vokka. They'll never leave. Shit, as long as the Gorilla-juice-heads can get their GTL* on, it don't matter where they party, riiiiiight??
*GTL = Gym, Tan, Laundry; a daily practice among male American-Italians involving going to a gym, then to a tanning salon to get fake tans, and to a laundromat to clean whatever Ed Hardy t-shirts they plan on wearing out that evening.
*GTL = Gym, Tan, Laundry; a daily practice among male American-Italians involving going to a gym, then to a tanning salon to get fake tans, and to a laundromat to clean whatever Ed Hardy t-shirts they plan on wearing out that evening.
Mariah Carey
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| Take your glittery bare-ass and the hell out of here before I have a stroke. |
Honeychild. You are 41 years old. Butterflies and hot pink glitter are only cute on 12 year old prostitutes. It is time you grow the hell up. I understand that you are married and have a baby on the way. That is all fine and dandy, but it leads me to another problem. Your pregnancy is apparently causing you to eat all of the food in America. We've all seen the pictures, and it is not pretty. There are people in this country who did not get famous for being able to sing really high, and don't have much money to spend. These people, like college students for example, find themselves eating a pack of ramen noodles or PBJ sandwiches every GODDAMN day and calling that a meal. Not only are you a nuisance, you're beginning to become a threat as well. So you need to go. If it makes you feel better, we'll hire someone to follow you around and take pictures of you so you still feel relevant.
Rush Limbaugh
He gets $50 Million a year to be a jack ass.
There's not much else you can really say about this guy. Same as Coulter and Beck, conservative political commentator. The only difference is that he is a total and complete ass hole. The other two might be ass holes. But this butt dumpling takes the cake. First of all, he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Ever. He's racist as hell, and gets away with it. Doesn't even get a slap on the wrist. I want to know what the hell this guy did to get that kind of special treatment? Why is everything Rush Limbaugh says acceptable to humanity? Why hasn't someone blown him up like Violet Beauregarde and rolled his ass into the ocean? If anyone needs to get the fuck out of America it's this mother fucker.
Kate Gosselin
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| "My name is Kate Gosselin. In my spare time, I like to exploit my children." |
The Duggars
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| There are 19 of those mother fuckers, not counting the parents. |
Get these weirdos out of here now. Now. Please. All of them. Take them all. They can start their own little Duggar Colony. Our country's economy is struggling, and at the rate Mr. and Mrs. Duggar are popping out babies, our population will increase exponentially if they stay here much longer. If the older children who are married wish to stay in America, they can do so as long as they promise not to have more than 6 children. Their parents took away their big family privileges. After all we are humans, not hamsters.
Michael Moore
Closest liberal equivalent to Beck, Coulter and Limbaugh that I could think of. Except he’s not that bad. He stirs shit up, though. That’s for certain. I admire his methods of expressing his opinions through documentary, however, no one on the right will view them. So really he isn’t accomplishing anything. He’s just contributing to the divide. I’m speaking specifically of Fahrenheit 9/11. Sicko was actually quite a good movie. There was a lot of spin, but we didn’t need Michael Moore to see that the country’s health care system was fucked up. Really I’m only suggesting he go to the island because I want to seem fair. I really wouldn’t mind if he stayed.
Other People Mentioned:
Kristen Stewart: Go be a bad actress somewhere else please. You better take Stephenie Meyer with you so she can keep writing crappy roles for you to play.
Brangelina: This was requested by Taylor Harris. She also suggested that Jennifer Aniston go too, but I vetoed that. Jen's my girl, and it's my fantasy island. So she stays. Brangie needs out. There isn't really a legitimate reason. They're just annoying. And like Taylor said, we could use something else to read about in the tabloids other than what the Brangelina's are doing in whatever Third-World Country they visit on any given week.
VS Models: Taylor also requested this. I'm inclined to say yes, because of all the body issues this causes for American Women. They make American women hate themselves, but they also help straight males reach sexual maturity. And you know what, what about the lesbians? They need hot bodies to check out too. It's a vicious cycle. As much as I want them to go, I feel like it's not fair to the straight guys/lesbians.
Lindsay Lohan: A couple of people requested to kick out Lindsay Lohan. I don't have the heart to kick her out. Honestly, the girl really isn't that significant anymore. She's not hurting or helping anything, so she can stay.
T Swift: Other people said Taylor Swift. I'd be down with that. She can take some time on that island to stop dating too-hot-for-her actors and learn how to sing. Bet you wish you would've been nicer to me in Panera that time, huh? Yeah, karma's a bitch, Tay-tay.
Miley Cyrus/Billy Ray Cyrus: no explanation necessary.
Dick Cheney: Let Palin know Cheney is denied access to any of her guns. (Lame, I know. But I'm getting sleepy.)
Zooey Deschanel: I have my reasons. Blonde hooker bitch.
edit: Okay, I'm being told that Zooey Deschanel is not actually a blonde. My bad. She still goes.
Am I brilliant, or am I brilliant?
Feel free to suggest more.
edit: Okay, I'm being told that Zooey Deschanel is not actually a blonde. My bad. She still goes.
Am I brilliant, or am I brilliant?
Feel free to suggest more.
Okay three things:
ReplyDelete1. We discussed this earlier, but that image of Mariah Carey truly encompasses every reason she should be sent to the island.
2. I posted my first blog..don't hate but I'm kind of excited about it.
3. Mine isn't nearly as pretty as yours either so don't judge.