Jobs That Don't Exist But Should Because I'd Be Really Good at Them

In one month I will have lived here on Earth for 25 years. When I was a kid, I always saw 25 as the zenith of my young adulthood. At 25, I would surely be married with one kid on the way, in a nice house, with a job that I absolutely love. Unless something major happens in the next four weeks, mostly none of that will be true. And I'm okay with that. But it's made me think; 25 years on this little blue dot... I should probably figure out why I'm here.

What am I supposed to do with my life? They say "Do What You Love." That's beautiful, really. But what if the things I love aren't actual jobs? I personally think Millennials are capable of anything as long as our phones are dead. We're totally capable of creating unheard of careers. Here's several ideas I came up with for myself:

1. Person who posts reviews for stupid products on Amazon. Just read the reviews left for this $120,000 television and tell me that wouldn't be an awesome job. Do you have a stupid product that needs attention? Allow me to make fun of it in Amazon reviews. This will increase the views of the product and direct traffic to your company's other, hopefully less stupid, products. I like to try new things and I'm interested in learning about marketing. Plus, I'm really good at making fun of things. Just ask any of my ex-boyfriends.

2. Pet Affirmation. Domestic Animals can be so needy, what with their inability to feed themselves and clean up their own poop. And then on top of that they want your love and affection. It's like, try thinking about someone other than yourself, Mr. Whiskers. Maybe get a job and contribute something to the world rather than sit in a box of your own excrement. Although they are all around terrible creatures with no redeemable qualities, once you own Domestic Animals, you are morally obligated to keep them alive. In order to do this, you may need to take an occasional break. That's where I come in. After 6 hours of my undivided attention, your pet will get the affirmation it needs to become a functioning member of society. I do this by snuggling with them and telling them how cute/good/pretty they are. Domestic Animals need to hear these things in order to feel validated. For an extra charge, I'll even make up original songs for the pet (topics: the pet itself, cleaning up the pet's poop, treats, hypothetical adventures the pet and I could experience, pretty much anything.) In conclusion, please let me play with your pets! See below some of my satisfied clients:

 

*

*You may be confused by the toddler. While not technically a "Domestic Animal," toddlers are very similar in nature. I also give toddler affirmations, as long as the toddler is willing to share her jelly beans.

3. Personal Cheerleader. I will follow you around or show up wherever you want me to be, donning a cheerleading uniform and pom poms, and I will make up encouraging chants to motivate you. In the court room ("Defense x get tough! get tough! x Defense get tough! x"), your divorce hearing (A-L-I-M-O-N-Y x He'll pay you until he DIES!), on the toilet ("B x E xx AT! Beat THOSE hemorrhoids! woooo!"). This is my dream job, really. I love motivating people, especially people suffering hemorrhoids.

4. Mattress Tester. I'm a pretty talented person, but my expertise is sleeping. That makes me the perfect candidate for mattress testing. Think about it - there's a job for people/monkeys to test food quality, beauty supplies, video games, unapproved medications. Why not mattresses? Someone contact Mattress Firm and tell them that they need to hire me to test their mattresses before they put them on the showroom floor. I am in a relationship with sleep on a Queen pillow-top from Mattress Firm that has improved the quality of my life. I just want the whole world[of people who can afford mattresses] to experience that feeling. Here's my suggested process: the test will take 12 hours total - 2 hours for pre-sleep (which involves eating ramen and watching Parks & Rec), 8 hours for sleep, 2 hours for post-sleep (in which my time is split between checking my Facebook, and staring at the ceiling thinking about how hungry I am). I will not stop until every mattress has been tested.

5. General Critic. In this position, I will give my unapologetic and uninformed opinion of everything. I don't have any credentials of any sort to justify criticism of literally anything, and I won't offer solutions to my criticisms. I just want the ability to hear myself talk about things that I like and things that suck. I think this would be a service to the universe. You're welcome.

6. Worst-Case-Scenario Preparedness: I am a worrier by nature (make sure you read that as wOrrier, not wArrier. The two are very different, and are mutually exclusive). Make use of one of my biggest weaknesses. For any given circumstance, be it personal or business, I can come up with all of the worst possible outcomes. With these horrible scenarios in mind, you can strategize and plan ahead and always end up on top. It would be nice to see this trait of mine do something other than ruin my happiness.

7. Get paid to eat a meal at every Meat & Three or BBQ joint in America, and write a review of each restaurant on a blog.  I love food. I love taking pictures of my food. I love discovering hole in the wall restaurants in small towns. I love writing. Perfect. You know what? I might just do this anyway, without pay.

"geargrinder420"

It's 6am. I cannot sleep. It's just not happening. This is incoherent, but my brain has been buzzing for about 12 hours straight, so I needed an outlet.

I stumbled upon a "test your gaydar" quiz while trying (and failing) to fall asleep, and the next thing I know, I've set up an account on OkCupid. That's really how it happened. And I never got the results of my quiz.

I've been hesitant of online dating because it seems too formulated and icky. The 40 minutes I've spent on OkCupid has done nothing but discourage me. Where the hell do they dig up these guys???? My 90% matches look like they crawled out from under a bridge. And the things they expect from women, it's just... what? All these questions... most of them aren't relevant. It's stupid.

It should be this simple:

My name is Elizabeth. I introduce myself as Libby, but if you aren't disgusting or if you're one of my parents you may call me Elizabeth. I go to church, and that's important to me, but I don't want a "Jesus Freak" who is so far removed from the world that he can't have a conversation with my friends. If you disagree with my beliefs, I'm open to intelligent, respectful discussions (respectful being the key word). I want someone who takes the time to spell check his text messages because he wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror if he didn't. I want someone who loves food as much as I do. Dammit I love food. I want someone who will actively pursue his own interests, and be happy for me when I pursue mine. If you maybe smoked a little pot in your younger years, that's fine, just for the love of God don't do it now. Seriously, put that 4 foot bong down and get a damn job. I want a guy who loves his mother. I want someone who is honest all the time. Don't tell me at the end of our date that you have a secret girlfriend in a different state and cry to me about how bad you feel for cheating on her. Please. Be interested in my life at a healthy level. If you tell me you're going to call, please do. I want someone who is able to turn his bad days into good ones on his own without bringing everyone else around him down. Have a  love for baseball, or hockey, or soccer. Make me laugh. Laugh at my jokes. Laugh with me about stupid things. Laugh a lot. Like me even though I'm flawed and have smelly feet. Encourage me to be my best self. That's all I want.


Maybe the reason I keep getting matched with trolls is that I don't bring enough to the table. Or that I write stupid things about dating without proofreading before I publish them on my blog at 6am when I should be asleep.

It Gets Happy-ish Towards the End

The ramblings of a lunatic. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This will come as no shock to those who know me, but I’m not happy. The feeling started a couple months before graduating from Belmont. At first I thought it was a “rut,” or a phase that would pass once I achieved some unstable goal (be skinny, have a job related to my degree, obtain a boyfriend-type companion). Maybe it started out as a rut, and grew into what it is now, which is crippling, terrible depression. How did this happen? Simple:

How to Grow Your Very Own Organic/Gluten-Free Depression:

1. Push down your negative feelings. It’s important that you bury the sadness/guilt/fear/anger deep underneath a thick layer of distractions and junk food. Don’t worry! Just because you can’t see the little guy down there doesn’t mean he isn’t growing! He is safely nestled in your subconscious. To help the seedling develop, practice saying things like “I’m doing great! How are you?,” “I’m taking some time to find what I’m called to do now that I’ve graduated from college” “I’m choosing to be single so I can focus on me.” All of this, and a Netflix account will get you on your way. 

2. After 12-18 months, a little sprout will start to emerge. He’ll spring up in little ways, at a party or a bar with all of your friends. He wants to be part of the action! You’ll start to feel insecure for no reason, and that insecurity will be all you can think about. Everybody is having a great time, except for you. Some people might notice how subdued you are and ask “what’s wrong?” That’s okay, that means your gardening is working! It’s absolutely key at this stage of development to not acknowledge the sprout coming out of your face. Other people might see him, but if you point him out he will die. So you have to pretend like he’s not there. This is your new catch phrase: “Oh I’m fine! Just tired.”

3. It is now time to begin the isolation phase of the growth process. This is achieved by choosing to be by yourself most of the time so that no one else can see the sadness/guilt/fear/anger growing. The worse you feel, the bigger it gets.
     – Only see people you love and care about when you feel obligated to or if you can’t come up with dumb reason not to, or if they start saying things like “why don’t you ever want to hang out?” If you say no enough times, eventually they will stop. Be sad about this, even though you are in control of the outcome.
     – Adopt an aggressive attack strategy when dealing with romance. Shut out and ignore guys who want to talk to you, and ruthlessly make fun of the ones you like. This will ensure that no romantic entanglements get in the way. Again, be sad about this even though you absolutely could change it at any given time.
      – Use humor as a deterrent from meaningful discussions about your feelings. 

4. The last stage is letting your little plant bloom into something wild and out of control. It’s time for the world to see the beautiful awful thing you created! You don’t need to hide him anymore because you can’t anyway. Although, by now denying his existence is a habit, so if you want keep doing so. It will only make him stronger! Stop showering, don’t take care of yourself at all. Hell, why not throw a stressful demanding job in the mix for more oomph? Maybe move into an apartment by yourself 30 minutes away from everyone you care about so you’ll definitely be alone all the time. Watch as your depression blossoms, creating his own path throughout your new home. Pretty soon, everywhere you look he’ll be there.

Awkward, thinly stretched elementary metaphors aside, this is how I feel. I did it all to myself, and I’m tired of it and I’m not sure how to fix it. That’s the honest truth. Now you’re probably thinking, “What is this, MySpace? Genz, you’re not a 14-year-old girl circa 2004 writing crappy poetry on her Green Day themed Xanga. Keep that sad shit to yourself and drown it with wine like an adult!” And you’re right. This is not the best method for airing out my feelings, but I’ve gone too long without acknowledging them. So now the internet knows. Maybe it’s not ideal. Maybe I should’ve gone with telling a friend, or another Real Life Human. But it’s a start. At least I’m admitting it to myself. 

Lately I’ve been thinking I should take life one day at a time. I worry so much about not being enough, or not being the person I thought I would be by this point. And then I make these ambitious lists about bettering myself that I never stick to. One day at a time seems doable; allowing myself good days and bad days. I’ve been trying to look at my world differently, focusing on the present, not the future, and paying attention to the things I have now that I’m thankful for.

For instance:

- I’m grateful for the small group of people who are always happy to see me whenever I feel like showing up. Even if I show up unkempt and in a horrible mood, they still invite me to do things with them. I will forever appreciate my friends. They’re wonderful people. I should probably tell them this in person, but we’re not a group that’s big on talking about feelings unless there’s 2-4 bottles of Evan Williams involved. 

- Although my job is not related to my degree at all, I’m still proud of what I’ve accomplished with the company. I’ve taken a job that I HATED and with the help of a great team and good leadership, I’ve made it into a life changing experience. Tell spoiled freshman in college Libby, who used to sleep on the keyboard at her part time data-entry job, that she grows up to have a work ethic! I have responsibilities. People depend on me. Go back to Studio West Salon & Spa in 2007 and tell bored teenage Libby behind the reception desk that she can and will lead a team, and she’ll… well she won’t be listening because she’s playing Tetris on her flip phone. But shout it in her face anyway! I may not be the best manager there ever was, but damn it! I work my ass off, and it feels good. 

- My apartment is lonely, but it’s nice. And most importantly, I can afford it. I pay those bills without help. They’re not always paid on time, but no one’s perfect!

Glad to get that all off my chest.

College Graduates' Lament

Thanks to a study done by some ass holes at Georgetown University, listing the most and least lucrative college degrees, it has come to my attention that I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life.

What an expensive waste of time.

If it's been a good day and you're looking for a quick way to turn it into shit, go ahead and give the study a glance. For those of you who don't want to jump off of a bridge, here's all you need to know: Apparently the only people getting paid in America are Pharmacists and Engineers. Sorry, white college graduates. Enjoy using that journalism degree to wipe tables at Applebee's.

This puts me in a difficult position because going to college was my only real plan for making it. That was the only trick I had up my sleeve. I've been trying really hard to stay positive, so instead of wallowing in pity (which means taking shots of tequila and chasing with Oreos and tears) I've come up with some back-up plans:

Plan B: Get an Ugly Rich Husband.
Obviously getting a Sugar Daddy would be the most ideal way to secure my future. I think I'd make a good bored/rich housewife. I could pick fights with the maid and sleep with the gardener. Sounds like a dream! Some of you are saying, "Why does he have to be ugly?" He doesn't, I'm just being realistic. Clearly I'd prefer a Hot Rich Husband, but I'm not a blonde pilates instructor. The only possible flaw with this plan is that once a gold-digging blonde pilates instructor makes herself available, I'm history.

Plan C: Try to pull off that "wandering gypsy" thing.
I'll save up and buy an airstream and drive it all around the country. I'll stay in a town for 3 or 4 months at a time working as a waitress or some odd jobs. That will work for a couple years until I'm ready to settle somewhere. I'm not thinking much through with this plan, but it sounds so cool!

What I think living in an Airstream would look like

What it would actually look like

 It will be fun until I get murdered and my killer cuts off my limbs and buries them in a desert miles apart from each other.

Plan D: Jump in front of a car, sue the driver for millions.
If it's not a brilliant idea, then tell me why so many people are using this method to pay their bills today? Once the money from the first accident runs out, and I can maybe walk again, I'll just come up with something else. I'll find a fried toe in my chicken nuggets. I'll work for Walmart and say that I was overworked and sexually harassed. Walmart just gives money to anyone that takes them to court. That's some shady business, right there. I am all about it.

Plan E: Stop giving any f***s and hope TLC makes a reality show about my family.

It worked for some people.



I'm done thinking about this, it's bumming me out. Oreos!!

Adventures in Beauty

I love going to the salon. Any salon. Hair salon, nail salon. Maybe it's because I like having an excuse to sit in a chair for 45 minutes, or maybe it's because I like having Asians rub my feet. Either way, I love going. Most people do, after all it is a salon's job to make clients feel comfortable, beautiful, and spoiled.

My hair-girl is the best. She's so good, she keeps getting promoted and now I can no longer afford to get my hair cut by her. She knows how to make her clients feel like royalty. It's genius, really: get a person so drunk with vanity that they're willing to shell out $30 for you to put a bunch of goo in their hair. Tell them things like "Girl your hair looks so now," or "Oh my goodness, I can't stop looking at you. You look so beautiful." People turn into putty. What you don't do is point out any of a client's possible flaws. 

My hair-girl was working on someone else, so she had another hair-girl wash my hair and wax my eyebrows. She did okay with the small talk for a while. Then she looked at my face, and said seven words that ruined my life: "Do you get your lip waxed also?"

WHAT?????

Immediately on the defensive, I said "No..." and narrowed my eyes and burned the stupid trollop with my death stare. The world I knew was shattered. Have I had a mustache this whole time and never known about it? Why would she ask that if I didn't obviously need it done? Why would she ask a person that at all? Two things one should never assume is true about a woman: 1) That she is pregnant. 2) That she is aware of her facial hair. 

I spent hours looking at my reflection in different lighting. I still can't decide if I actually had a lady-stache (probably not), but it bothered me enough that I bought an at-home wax kit. 

That's right. Feminism died a little today. You're welcome, ladies. 

Here's my step-by-step guide to facial waxing, since I have done it once and am now an expert:

Supplies needed: 

- 1 At-Home Waxing Kit

- 1 Beer

Step 1: Open the beer. You might as well start drinking now, because you're not sure how bad at-home waxing is going to hurt. You're not even sure you have enough hair for the wax to pull off in the first place. 

Step 2: Do the necessary research. 

Step 3: Draw a mustache on your mirror because you're hilarious.

Step 4: Kind of read the directions. You've pulled off a band-aid before, that's basically the same thing.

Step 5: Put wax strip on face. Take selfies and send to friends.

Step 6: Pull the wax strip off in the opposite direction of your hair-growth. 

Step 7: Put long-named-fancy oil over waxed area to remove leftover wax. 

Step 8: Celebrate that you have a big puffy red streak on your face and you can't tell any difference! This was totally unnecessary! You look like the Joker, congratulations! 

MUSTACHE FREE AMERICA.

The personal ad basically writes itself, here. #foreveralone

I Am The Anti-Lauren Conrad

I, like every female my age, LOVE Lauren Conrad. Yes, every female. Even the ones who won't admit it. Even the ones who claimed not to watch The Hills, the reality show she starred in on MTV, because the show was "shallow," or "pointless," or "scripted." While all of that is true, you still watched it and you still want to be her.

Nobody is perfect, except for Jesus.
And Lauren Conrad.

 Anyway, Lauren Conrad is our generation's Every-Woman. She does everything, and she does it impeccably. Oh, you've got a clothing line? She's got three. And a home decor line. You wrote a book? LC wrote six. All of that, AND she's prettier than Martha Stewart. Give it another year and she'll have her own cooking show.

Naturally, she has a very popular lifestyle blog, www.laurenconrad.com, just so she can let you know of all the things she can do better than you conveniently in one place. She's got her own head quarters for the blog, with a full staff of writers and contributers.

One such writer posted an entry a couple weeks ago (that I read, of course, since I'm subscribed to LC on facebook, twitter, etc.) called "Rise and Shine: How to Make Your Mornings Brighter", laying out a very simple seeming morning routine. It starts at 10pm, when you go to bed, and ends at 9am, when you arrive at work, and includes time for exercise, a shower, and a full breakfast. It's the ideal way to wake up every morning. Honestly, I have tried to nail this down ever since I read the article, and I have yet to be successful in this mission. Some of us just aren't prone to routine.

For you people like me, here's Libby Genz's Morning Routine:


Rise and Shine: How to Stay Asleep As Long As Possible and Still Make It to Work On Time

10:00 - Be in or around your bed.

12:00-12:30 - Fall Asleep while looking at Buzzfeed.com, phone in hand.

12:45 - Drop phone on face, and wake up.

1:00 - Fall back to sleep.

6:00 - Sleep through alarm.

7:13 - Wake up suddenly, realizing you slept through your alarm.

7:15 - Decide you don't really need to wake up until 8:00. Set another alarm, go back to sleep.

8:00 - Sleep through alarm.

8:15 - Wake up suddenly, realizing you have 15 minutes to get ready for work in order to leave by
8:30.

8:17 - Opt out of taking a shower, put your hair up in weird twisty bun and hope no one notices how dirty it is. Foolishly become confident in how much time you have. Sing any given Beyonce song.

8:20 - To balance a very obvious "I didn't try at all this morning" hair-do, put on make up. Get caught up in whatever Beyonce song you're singing during this process.

8:31 - Stop singing to yourself in the mirror. Yell out your favorite expletive. Scramble to find something to wear. Settle for a variation of the same outfit you wore the day before.

8:36 - Get in your car and go to work. Speed the whole way to make what should be a 30 minute trip last only 25 minutes.

8:59 - Arrive at work. Thank God that you didn't get pulled over despite driving recklessly and having expired tags.

9:05 - Have a healthy breakfast of frozen yogurt covered in Reese's Peanut Butter cups.



ADULTHOOD. YOU'RE DOING IT SO WRONG.

17 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Seventeen

Adorable baby Allie, seen here savagely choking my stuffed Sleepy-time Ernie.

My baby sister is 17 today.

what......

Re-read that for 15 hours and you'll be about where I am right now.

I was 17 (math...) six years ago. In the big scheme of my life, six years is not that long. But so much happens in the six years between 17 and 23. I thought I'd finally figured out life at age 17. Every six years I'm reminded that I know absolutely nothing.

So for my sister today, I'm going to list 17 things I wish I'd known about life six years ago. Now, those of you who knew me at age 17 and also know my sister know that we are very different (AKA she has herself figured out and I was a total mess). She definitely doesn't need this advice at all. BUT I'M MAKING HER READ IT ANYWAY. I'M OLDER THEREFORE I'M THE BOSS.

1. Having a cell phone is the most convenient burden known to man. Sure, it's great. You want to Snap Chat a picture of a plant that looks like Harry Styles to your friend, you have the ability to do so. You're too lazy to figure out what 23 - 17 equals, you have a calculator at the ready (who has time for math these days, amiright? It's 2013.) You can text mom from downstairs to ask when dinner is going to be ready, and she will respond via text message instead of yelling "WE'RE GOING TO PASTA HOOOOOUUSE." Having the world in your palms is amazing. But it's also annoying.

Hanging out becomes everyone sitting quietly on their phones looking at twitter. I know it sounds lame, but this is the truth: there's a whole bunch of cooler things happening in real life, in real time, all the time. Put your phone away when you're with family or friends. Another thing that sucks about cell phones is that people can reach you 24/7. They can text you, call you, email you, etc. And that's not all, they expect a response in five minutes or less. Sometimes you need to be truly by yourself to stay on track. Leave your phone at home and go on a walk for 30 minutes. You'll come back and see that the world is right where you left it.

2. Your high school boyfriend most likely isn't going to be that important. Get over it. I know, he has a super cool Volkswagen van, and has a super cool beard, and is "just like, different, like, I don't know. He's so real." Believe me, I know. He may be awesome, but you are too. Don't make being his girlfriend part of your identity, because statistically speaking, he's not going to matter in 6 months. It's cool though, don't worry. He's gonna make some lucky man very happy one day.

3. Mom and Dad are always right. No really. Always. Really. I mean it. Does it make sense? No. How is that even possible? Don't question it, just accept it because it's reality. Steve & Jennifer hold all the answers to all the questions in the universe. Not only are they always right, 4. They know everything that goes on, always. So any funny business, just assume that they know. You aren't that good of a liar. Who are you kidding thinking you could lie to them anyway? They raised you.

5. If you stand up for yourself, the people who really care about you will stand up with you. In high school, friends come and go like pimples. Maybe that wasn't the best example. Whatever. Full steam ahead! Some girls are nice. Some girls are mean. Nice girls get manipulated. So here's my advice to nice girls: being assertive doesn't mean you aren't nice. You know what you like and what you don't like. You know that being mean to people isn't funny, it's hurtful. You know this. Don't let a mean girl make you think that bringing other girls down is a way to bring yourself up. Don't stoop to her level. At the end of every day she looks in the mirror and tells herself she's better than other girls. She has an unstable reflection patched together by lies. The nice girl ends every day looking in the mirror with her head held high because her self worth is built on good virtues. She doesn't have to put others down to feel good, and she goes to sleep happy. Strong nice girls stick together and are invincible.

6. Those who stand up with you are like home-base.  In a year or so, everything is going to change. You're all going to go to college, you're going to grow up into different people. Stay in touch with the Nice Girl Gang (tag line: "Most likely to get picked last in gym") while you're running around figuring out your life. They will keep you grounded. And really, they're so much easier to talk to than other people because they've known you forever. Sometimes you don't have the energy to explain your feelings. All you have to do is text them something like "mrrrnn" or "womps" and they know exactly what you mean.

7. 3 AM Steak-N-Shake meals always end in deep, life-changing conversations. I don't know. Maybe it's something they put on the french fries.

8. College is going to be a lot harder than high school. People say this to you all the time. Because they mean it. If you go to college thinking you can not study for a test and manage to pull a B, get ready for a rude awakening. (This is more specific to me, Allison won't have this problem at all because she's not a cocky idiot.)

9. When in doubt, hang out at Walgreens. My friends and I did this when we were 17, and we still do. What does that say about us though... Maybe we're really boring and Walgreens isn't actually that awesome... Haha, no that can't be it. Walgreens is awesome.

10. Be with your family at least one day a week. You'll be really sad one day when you're sitting alone at a Starbucks by your apartment, and you'll be wishing you could go home and play with your dog, throw stuff at your little brother's head, hear your dad laugh and hug your mom.

No I'm not crying in public. I just got some over-priced iced coffee in my eye.

11. Cosmopolitan magazine is stupid. Don't even bother.  It's the same crap every month, and the tips aren't that good. You don't ever need to look seductive at work, and Ke$ha's REAL work out routine is bulimia and cocaine.

12. Talk to your teachers. They are very wise. It's weird to think they don't live in their classrooms. They have really cool outlooks on life. Also, if you talk to them, that makes them like you. And when they like you, they give you things like recommendation letters and donuts.

13. Don't worry about being cool. I promise in a year, you're going to look back at your Facebook pictures from this year and cringe with shame. "sooo many duck lip pics.... why...."

14. If you're planning on going away for college, enjoy the city you live in while you can. The Arch isn't that exciting, really. It's rickety and quite frankly, a little terrifying. But when you're 300+ miles away, you'd give anything to be in one of those shaky, cramped pods, looking over a muddy river and decrepit casino-boats.

15. When a guy says "Come over and watch a movie with me," he doesn't want to watch a movie. Unless a male says "Come over! I'm making cookies and watching Bridget Jones' Diary!!" he's got other things on his mind. And you're a Nice Girl, and Nice Girls don't like having that conversation. If you have to have it, and no isn't working, just say something like "I can't watch Sharknado with you, because my family was killed by a tornado of sharks when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or, "I can't watch Wreck-It-Ralph with you, because my family was killed by a video game character when I was a baby. I don't wanna talk about it..." or "I can't watch Harry Potter with you, because Voldemort killed my parents when I was a baby, I don't wanna talk about it..." and then clutch your forehead like it stings. Works like a charm.

16. Having a job is cool because you make money, but it also means you have to work. You aren't getting paid to play Tetris on your phone. Not that I ever did that at my first job........

17. Enjoy not having responsibilities while you can. This doesn't apply to all seventeen-year-olds, but it applies to my sister and me. This is a great time of your life because you're old enough to walk out on the wire without supervision, but you also have a cushy safety net if you fall. The net will sometimes take you shopping to make you feel better. In 4 years, the safety net will decide that you're probably good on your own, and it won't help you anymore. And you don't really need it. It's just scary not having it there. Also in 4 years, the safety net will decide to make your room into a "guest room" and take down all your Green Day posters. So enjoy that luxury while you still can.



Life is what you make it. If you see "Chapter 17" as miserable, it will be miserable. If you want it to be wonderful, make it wonderful. If I know my sister at all, "Chapter 17" will be everything she wants it to be.