My Fitness Pal is a website, not a real person. But to make it more fun for myself I'm imagining that it's an actual personal trainer, more specifically one that looks just like Shemar Moore. I call him "Eric, my fitness pal."
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| Don't even pretend like you wouldn't do 500 pushups for this man. |
Eric keeps track of what I eat and how much I exercise, and when I meet my daily goals, he rewards me with sex.
I really wish that last part was true.
So here is my plan: Each day I eat a net total of 1210 calories, and I'm supposed to get 60 minutes of exercise. That means I should lose around 2 lbs a week. (assuming I don't cheat.) I'm not going to tell Eric about any calories gained through alcohol consumption, because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Why is it that at the beginning of diets you always feel like a piece of shit? Really. When I signed up online, Eric asked me for my current weight, which I thought was rude, and my ideal weight. I hadn't seen a scale in months, and when I stepped on the one in my parents' bathroom I was beyond embarrassed. I don't know how I let that happen to myself, but I'm fairly certain that I have recently awoken from a coma that began around Christmas. I'm not really sure what all went down, but I know it involved a lot of cookie dough and taco bell.
I had to tell Eric the exact amount, but I don't have to tell y'all. So lets just say I am roughly the size of a tractor trailer, and I would like to be about 35 pounds less than that.
In these first days, I am having to face my fatness. On top of that, I'm f-ing hungry and I can't eat. What's worse is that within three days I have become one of those annoying people who counts all the calories in everything. A little part of me died when I told the waitress at Fox & Hound the other night that "I can't have the whole salad, 'cause I only have 326 calories left today." She gave me a look that was either pity or hatred.
I haven't yet mastered the equal distribution of calories between meals. For some reason, lunch always ends up being between 700-1000 calories, which leaves me with 300-500 for dinner. What the hell kind of dinner is only 300 calories? "I'll have a water and a bowl of lettuce please." No thank you! Did you know that three chicken tacos from Chipotle, without cheese OR sour cream, is 900 calories? Bullshit. A chicken fajita salad from Chevy's is 1450. WTF?! SALAD SHOULD NOT BE THAT MANY CALORIES. Good news is that a six inch Veggie Delite from Subway without cheese or mayo is 230 (suhweet!). I still don't understand how a plate full of vegetables has more calories than a sandwich, but whatever. Subway it is! Just call me Jared Fogle.
What's funny to me about the website (myfitnesspal.com) is that it encourages you to invite a friend to diet with you. "Don't diet alone!" I've heard that before, that losing weight with someone helps sometimes. What I want to know is how one goes about "inviting" a friend to diet with her. Even if you can think of a friend, she won't be your friend for long if you ask her. I can't think of any circumstance where having someone ask you to diet with them doesn't come off as insulting. That's like giving someone a gym membership for Christmas. You may think it's a nice gesture, but the person you give it to won't see it that way. And I totally understand. Gym Membership as present = "You need to lose weight and I don't know how else to tell you." It's the same thing! How do you ask someone to diet with you?
You: Hey Mary! I just started using My Fitness Pal, you should do it too so we can support each other!
Mary: What're you trying to say? I'm fat?
You: No! I just thought we could support -
Mary: I mean, I know I don't look like I did in high school but my boyfriend says I'm beautiful! That's all that matters to me!
You: Mary, you're overreacting, I was just saying -
Mary: And ya know what? You should really look in the mirror before you go around calling people fat!
Pretty soon your "Fitness Pal" would be your "Only Pal."
But hey, with a pal as fine as Eric, I don't need the rest of you assholes.
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