Decision 2012

LG: Thank you all for being here today to watch one of many boring debates between President Barack Obama and hopeful Republican candidate, former Governor Mitt Romney. Welcome gentlemen. We all know why you're here, so I don't really need to explain, do I? No. Good. So let's get straight to it.

You both have expressed opposing view points on all of the serious problems polarizing this country: abortion, gay marriage, health care, what we should do to fix the budget, just to name a few. However, there is one issue that has yet to be debated. It's incredibly serious, and has been causing chaos since the mid 1990's. Friendships have been ended, riots have been started, families torn apart. I'm speaking of course about The Great Boy Band Debate: N 'SYNC vs Backstreet Boys. It troubles me that this issue has not been discussed at all, not just during this election process, but all the way back to when Clinton was in office. No more. Your country needs answers. 

Mr. Romney, we'll start with you. What is your position?

MR: I was really hoping to use this time to discuss my plans to solve the budget crisi-

LG: Irrelevant.

MR: It's actually incredibly relevant-

LG: Not to me and other girls in my age bracket. Look, Mitty. You lost a lot of love from us 18-24 year olds with that whole "I totes disagree with that amendment saying that religious institutions providing healthcare should be exempt from covering contraception.... Oh wait, JK. I agree 100%. I just misunderstood the question. Woopsie!" You wanna get us girls on your side? Discuss the things that matter to us! Now, once more. BSB or N 'Sync, which do you prefer?

MR: Oh, alright. I consider myself an originalist. Backstreet Boys started in 1993, two whole years before N 'Sync followed suit. I'm on team Backstreet Boys, because they were the first boy band of the 90's. Ya know, besides all the other ones before them.

LG: Okay, Mr. Romney. I have here a statement you made in 2002 on your blog. I quote "I heart N 'Sync!!! JT and Mitt BFF 4 EVER!!!" 

MR: I, uh, I don't recall ever saying that. 

LG: Sir, I have evidence that you did in my hands right now.

MR: I've changed my mind.

LG: Right... Let's move on.

MG: Yes, let's.

LG: Mr. President?

BO: Originality is good. It sets a standard for all that follows. What my opponent fails to see is that it also paves the way for improvement. In 1998, America was introduced to a new quintet of teen boys. A better quintet. Team N 'Sync. 

MR: The President seems to be uninformed on the topic. It's an issue that can be easily decided if you take a look at the numbers. BSB sold over 100 million albums while N 'Sync barely sold half that amount. And if so many records were sold, there must be a reason. Just as there is a reason there have been 18 Republican presidents and only 13 Democrats [smug chuckle].

BO: Well, Mr. Romney, what makes a good band, or a good president, is not about quantity. It's about quality. 

LG: Very good insights. I want to delve deeper into this debate and nail out some specifics within the topic. What makes a good boy band? I'll be using this list of 6 criterion for the two of you to make your decisions:

1. Hotties
2. Awesome Music Videos
3. Killer Dance Moves
4. Good Hair
5. Interesting Personal Lives
6. Legacy

Okay first area is Hotties. Let's have a look:

MR & BO: Tie.

LG: Okay, easy agreement. Round 1 = TIE

Moving on, Round 2: Awesome Music Videos. 

MR: Oh we so win this one. The video for "I Want It That way" boasts over 46 million views on YouTube.

They're in an airport, first of all. So relatable. You see them getting on a private jet. Or hanging around a private jet. I don't think they actually ever get on it. As far as costumes, they go from awesome to excellent. First they hit us with coordinating blazer/trenchcoats and then they wow us with matching white outfits. And those special effects! Are they there? Are they not? How are people walking through them? Did that line of carts hurt Howie when it ran over him? I don't know, it's like magic! And, it may just be me, but when Brian sings, it feels like he's touching my soul. I tell ya what, if I wasn't so strongly anti-homosexuality, Brian and I would have some good times.

LG: Excellent...points... Mr. Romney... Mr. President, what would you like to add?

BO: Mr. Romney, I see your 5 brooding guys walking around an airport, and I raise you 5 Dancing Action Figures:

It may not have nearly as many views. But, come on. It kicks ASS!!!

LG: Round 2 = N 'SYNC

Round 3: Killer Dance Moves. This one's no contest at all really, but go ahead, Mr. Romney. Give it your best shot.

MR: I'm gonna give an answer to address two things - The video for "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)":

A) N 'SYNC is not the only one with a totally kick ass video. B) BSB doesn't need any frilly dance moves, they're hot on their own.

 BO: I would make an argument, but I don't need to. The iconic video for "Bye Bye Bye" speaks for itself.

Now, tell me everyone in AMERICA doesn't know this dance? TELL ME.

LG: N 'SYNC WINS ROUND 3 BY DEFAULT.

Round 4: Good Hair. Mr. Romney?

MR: Ha. Easy. Ladies & Gentlemen, Nick Carter:

Compare that perfection to this:

Case closed.

BO: Yeah, I can't even argue with that. Somebody should've told that boy.

LG: Round 4 = BSB. 

Round 5: Interesting Personal Lives. GO!

BO: I'm going to speak first on this one. Everybody remember Justin & Britney? Of course you do. It was the single best meaningless relationship between two teen-pop-sensations to ever happen. America was devastated when they broke up.

MR: With all due respect, Mr. President, I don't think that qualifies as interesting. You know what people find interesting about relationships? Scandal!!

BO: Justin popped Brit's cherry. Boom.

MR: Nick dated Paris Hilton.

BO:  Didn't he beat her up? That kind of scandal is never okay, I know that much. You know what else isn't okay? AJ going to rehab 3 times. 

MR: Lance Bass ended up to be gay! Which, may not be much of a scandal, but it is severely frowned upon in most stuffy conservative circles!!

BO: That wasn't a surprise to anyone. And you know what? His fans welcomed it. 

MR: Brian, had a hole in his heart. He had to have surgery. That's interesting. Gives the boys a little added emotional appeal. Think of all the 13 year old girls who prayed for him every night.

BO: Yes, that was too bad indeed. Perhaps if Obamacare had been around back then, it wouldn't have been an issue.

LG: Round 5 = OBAMACARE!!!

Round 6: Legacy

MR: I would like to once again point out the concrete facts, and say that Backstreet Boys is still a band. They have been a band for almost 20 years, not counting the brief hiatus, and there are only four of them now, but they still live on. Their legacy is all that followed them: One Direction, O'Town, LFO, and even N' SYNC. They are the greatest. What became of N 'SYNC? One's an international super star blahblahblah, one is a host on MTV's America's Best Dance Crew, one is gay, and nobody cares about the other two.

BO: I would have to say JT is what makes N 'SYNC the best. He's the most talented musician to come from a boy band since Michael Jackson. And so what if the Backstreet Boys are still together making music? Just because they are doesn't mean they should be. N 'SYNC left the musical world at a high, and a high is where they will stay forever. Backstreet Boys are driving the band into the ground. It's like watching a failed marriage slowly unravel: the parents are staying together for the kids, only the kids are old enough to see that their parents shouldn't be together, but the couple is still trying anyway. Every day that passes in this family is just awkward and painful. Sure,there's that one hopeful child who still believes everything will work out for the best, but deep deep down they know it won't. The children know it's time for their parents to let go and just accept that it's over. That's what BSB needs to do. Accept that its over. To end on a positive note I would just like to say one more thing: Justin Timberlake. That is all.

LG: Round 6 = JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

So in conclusion, it looks like overall there were 2 wins for N 'SYNC, 1 win for BSB, 1 win for Obamacare, 1 win for JT (which I think makes 3 wins for N 'SYNC), and 1 tie. So the final score for this debate is N 'SYNC - 3, BSB - 1. Special thanks to President Obama and Mitt Romney for participating in the debate. 

America, remember that whether it's N 'SYNC or BSB, the choice is yours. What matters most is that you voice your opinion and stick up for what you believe in. 

I can't believe I stayed up until 3am writing this weird crap. I'm going to bed now, good night.