Rejection

This post isn't funny. It's not well written, and it's actually really stupid. Mainly just because whenever I experience any emotion other than happy I think it's stupid and no one should pay attention.

Also, I may or may not be a little drunk again.

If you want happy, go down to the bottom of the post.

You ever freaked out about something dumb? And then wondered if anyone else freaks out about that thing as much as you do? And then felt like a total idiot when you realized that you're the only one freaking out about it? And all your friends are like, "Libby, you're thinking about it too much, its not that big of a deal." And then you feel even more stupid because you can't seem to convince yourself that it's not a big deal and you drive to Walgreens at midnight to get some chocolate because chocolate has never rejected you.

Myyyyyyyyyyy life.

In 5th grade, I had a crush on a guy named Tim. "Tim M" for this situation. My friend Kali told me that since I was moving at the end of the year, I should tell him how I feel. So I wrote him a note. I still remember what it said and what color gel pen I used (It was metallic and multi colored. Coolest pen ever.)

Dear Tim,
I really really like you. Do you like me?
Love (actually I drew a heart),
Libby Genz


I folded up the note and during a break from Poms rehearsal (yeah. I did poms. Good times), I slipped it into his desk. We weren't in the same class. He ended up telling the entire 5th grade that he hated my guts and that I was a loser. It wasn't really a surprise, since I was in fact a loser. He was the most popular guy in the 5th grade. I was probably the most losery girl in the whole entire school. Why I ever thought I had a chance with him, I really don't know. Also, he was 11, so girls weren't really interesting to him. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 11 year old self not to do it. "You are a nerd. It sucks now, and it will suck for a long time, but there will be a guys who like that in high school and college, so hold out."

But, alas, I did not learn from this. Then came 6th grade. New school district. New boys. I'm not going to say his name because literally EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WOLRD knows who I'm talking about. Also, he's my neighbor, so while he is mostly unaware of my existence, we still have awkward neighborly run-ins (in which I look over and kind of wave and he pretends not to see me.)  Anyway. We met. He actually talked to me. I fell in love with him. Well, I mean, as in love as you can be at age 12. I stared at him a lot, and acted like I hated him. I wouldn't dare let him know about my feelings because of what happened with Tim M. Unfortunately however, he found out because it turns out I'm not very good at hiding when I have a crush. Pretty much, he saw that as an opportunity to get me to do stuff for him. So it became a game to him to see how much he could make me do. And then one day he yelled at me in the middle of FACS and called me a freakshow. Also not a surprise. Cause I was still a loser. And he was again, very very popular. Also, my "friends" at the time called his house pretending to be me and apparently told him I like him, or something. That eventually turned into him getting other people to make fun of me all the time. I think that was a little unwarranted. I mean, yes, I was a dork so making fun of me is a natural occurrence, something I expected. But making fun of me for being rejected? Come on! Talk about kicking me while I'm down. Needless to say, it was a pretty shitty year in general.

So, basically, I have this huge fear of rejection. Not just from boys, but from everything. At work, when I fail to get any pledges I feel like all the Alumni hate me, and that my boss hates me, and that my parents will find out how bad I am at getting money from people and be ashamed of creating me. All of the alumni might as well be saying, "I can't give any money to you because you're a loser and I hate your guts. Also, your neighbor hates you still because you're a dork, and you'll never succeed at anything ever, so you should get used to working in retail because that's all you'll ever amount to." I never invite people over to my house to hang out or something because I feel like if they say the can't it means that they don't like me or think I'm weird. I don't ever apply myself to anything because the idea of putting forth everything I can and getting shut down is the scariest thing ever.

I know there are worse things than a guy not liking me. I know that. I'm still scared.

Life would be so much easier if every guy liked me. I could just turn people down all the time. Actually though, I hate being on the other side way more. Rejecting someone is way more difficult than being rejected.

You know what really needs to happen? I need to stop drinking and blogging. That's the most important thing.

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Okay. Here's a better story. I actually did get 2 pledges tonight!! Also, I got a free nalgene bottle for being the second person to get a pledge. Work is always awesome when you get to talk to cool people. Or just people that aren't mean or old or putting their toddlers to bed. I also really hate talking to people who haven't had any use of their degree. "What am I doing with my Music Business degree? Well, let me tell you. I run the graveyard shift at IHOP. But I have high hopes for my band." That is so so so depressing. Or when someone says they didn't use it and they had to go back to school. Or when they tell me they're unemployed. That's probably the worst. What do you say to that? Sorry? Keep your head up, you'll find a job? You can't say that because what if they're 65 and they just got laid off? How are they going to find a job again? At my job, we take that opportunity to say something positive and ask them for money. It's just the Belmont way.